WASHINGTON, D.C. — While he continues to wage losing legal battles to upend last month’s election results, outgoing President Donald Trump has reportedly started to process his stinging defeat with a bit more of a clear mind, and has started to take steps that would indicate he knows his time in the Oval Office is running short.
“This morning, the president sent a discreet note to the joint chiefs of staff, telling them to have a dozen F-35 fighter jets moved to his storage unit in South Florida,” Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick announced. “As you all know, a president is entitled to play with any toys he wants to, and he has made it clear he likes making the jets go ‘Whooooooooooooooosh.’ He expects the Pentagon to deliver his jets to him by the end of the week.”
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In addition to the F-35 jets, Trump has asked for other governmental assets to be moved from their current locations to his Florida storage unit.
“Forever President Trump has asked the Treasury department to put a money printing machine down there,” McDitzydick announced, “and he did promise Ivanka he’d get her a copy of the Constitution she could keep, and he’s asked the National Archives to go ahead and just bring the original down to his storage unit. President Trump will also have some tanks moved there as well, so that with the jets, he and his boys can play Bone Spurs, which a game they made up where each one takes turn dodging the draft but still sending the others off to war to die.”
Reports have started to also circulate that various items from the White House are showing up on eBay. Auctions listing the bedroom set from the Lincoln Bedroom, the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office, and a “vibrator used to stimulate the president’s taint while Lindsey Graham polished his knob” have made their way to the site. While it’s unclear who listed the items, the account used to hold the auction is named “BiglyCOC4569LOL,” so some guesses have been made.
“This is the guy who couldn’t keep casinos solvent,” one Hill aide said, “so of course it’s him selling off shit from the White House. Dude’s gonna need cash when his gravy train runs out of steam.”
The Pentagon has indicated that Trump’s requests for military surplus equipment will not be granted. Donald Trump will be president until Joe Biden takes the oath of office on January 21st, 2020.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.