FARTS-A-LOT-THO, FLORIDA — Taking in a second buffet lunch of the day so far, former one term, twice permanently impeached, defeated President Donald Trump told diners at his Florida luxury resort that he was “immediately sending, in a very big, major way,” documents to the January 6th Select Committee demanding that they investigate his former Vice President, Mike Pence.
Former President Trump had already lashed out at Pence earlier in the day in a press release he couldn’t publish on any social media accounts himself. In the statement, Trump insists, without facts to back him up, that Pence had the right to overturn the 2020 election results. Trump then issued a demand that Pence be investigated for not going along with his ploy to remain in power undemocratically.
Having just sent his statement and demand to his spokesidiot to share for him on Facebook and Twitter, Trump reportedly sauntered down to the buffet from his apartment.
The former president, as is his custom, barged his way into the line, cutting in front of families that had been waiting. Trump was seated and ordered his son Donald Jr. to go to the buffet for him to secure “at least six plates full of bacon.”
Then, Trump raised his impish left hand in the air, and snapped his fingers.
Within moments, an OANN reporter was seated next to him, taking notes. Trump told the reporter he was going to demand that Pence be investigated, that he had sent his demand to Congress, and that he still had sexual feelings for his First Lady. However, the OANN reporter couldn’t quite figure out why, because he hadn’t asked anything about Ivanka.
“He took an oath and he broke it! He broke his oath to me! For that reason alone, Mike should be brought up on stiff charges, the stiffest, really,” Trump mused.
“It’s a very simple thing to think about. Pence could have either overthrown the election, or let himself get hanged by a mob of angry, unwashed MAGAs. Those were his two choices that day, and he bungled them, BIGLY!”
Trump was shouting loudly, but the force of his shouts were forcing even louder farts out of his rectum.
“It’s weird because the whole time we were in my White House, Mike kept taking about how much he liked well-hung men. So why the hell didn’t he want to become a well-hung man himself? Interesting, don’t you think,” Trump asked.
“That’s why I want Mikey investigated. Really, it’s for his own good.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.