Stupidfuck Promises to Pardon Dumbfucks Who Attempted Idiotic Coup on His Behalf

This weekend, a defeated former president and confirmed stupidfuck — who has yet to win the popular vote in any election he’s entered — stoked rage, spewed lies about losing last year’s presidential election, and edged his followers toward open political violence if he is indicted for several crimes he is alleged to have committed.

At his rally in Conroe, Texas, former President Don Trump even went so far as to float the possibility of pardoning the dumbfucks who helped him attempt an idiotic coup on January 6th, 2021.

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Trump rallies are often hot beds of lies about the 2020 election, but it was the fact that the one-term, twice permanently impeached president openly offered to pardon the very people who attacked American democracy during his failed coup attempt that raised the most eyebrows. Trump’s public offers of pardons for the insurrectionists got the most urgent commentary from pundits and elected officials.

Though his speech was widely condemned outside the death cult he has amassed within the Republican Party, or perhaps because of that condemnation, Trump later issued a written statement — which he is not permitted to post on any major social media network. In his statement, Trump continued to insist that his former Vice President, Mike Pence, could have, and should have, overturned the election results.

As much outrage as was felt and expressed throughout social media and on Sunday morning talk shows, the fact is that most of Trump’s most loyal supporters either said nothing about his speech, or supported the idea of pardoning those who attempted to overthrow the government. Sen. Lindsey Graham, one of Trump’s fiercest defenders and testicle warmers, condemned Trump’s pardon tease, but he was immediately lambasted by Freshman Congresspony Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA), who assailed Graham and accused him of “kowtowing to woke never Trumpers.”

“Lindsey Graham is a punk-ass bitch who never really embraced the flavor, scent, or power of Don Trump’s totally not-mangled genitals. He obviously never truly understood what makes Trump’s taint the perfect place for the Republican Party to permanently set-up shop,” Greene said as she arrived at the capitol building this morning, ready for another day of not doing any congressional work.

“I’m proud to be one of King God Emperor President Trump’s army of deplorable dumbfucks, and if Lindsey isn’t, he should get out of our party. We don’t like cucks in the MAGA Party, Lindsey, and if you’re going to get cucked by the woke warriors of libtarded communism, then that’s who you should team-up with. Period.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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