WASHINGTON, D.C. — While the country continues to brace itself and prepare for a possible pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus, President Donald Trump attacked the previous presidential administration, calling it “the most corrupt Administration” in American history. At the time this tweet was sent, it wasn’t exactly clear what President Trump was accusing his predecessors of. However, in a conversation with reporters in the Oval Office, Trump explained the tweet, and said it was related to the coronavirus, which medical professionals in several states have already confirmed to be treating in patients they’ve diagnosed with it since last week.
The Obama/Biden Administration is the most corrupt Administration in the history of our Country!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 9, 2020
“I tweeted that before I could finish my thought,” Trump explained to everyone in the Oval Office. “Basically, it’s come to my attention thanks to 4Chan, 8Chan, and 69Chan — which a special server I share with my daughter Ivanka — that former President Obama and his Vice President Sleepy Creepy Sweepy Peepy Joe Biden actually created the coronavirus in a lab! If what I read and then made-up in my mind about what I read is true, then they unleashed the virus on this country as part of a flu coup.”
Trump insinuated that the current iteration of the coronavirus was “cooked up in some Sharia voodoo lab” at the behest of former President Obama. Trump believes Obama is trying to destroy the stock market, which could in turn have damaging impacts elsewhere in the economy, which could damage his chances at re-election. President Trump suggested that every person who panics about contracting the coronavirus is “doing Obama’s dirty work for him.”
“Obviously Sleepy Joe is caught up in this because first of off, Ukraine. I’m not sure exactly what that means, but my campaign team suggested I bring up Ukraine and the bidens as much as possible,” Trump said. “But also, because he’s running for my job! Of course he’d work with his former boss to stage a flu coup on me if it means he has a better shot at beating me in November! This is so simple to understand, and I see it so clearly now. All the pieces are coming together in my mind, and I think we’re going to need to set up a task force, under Rudy Giuliani’s guidance, to get to the bottom of this illegal flu coup!”
President Trump did not offer any evidence to back his claims up. However, he did say his “gut instincts” told him he was correct. In the past, Trump has accused the Obama administration of many things, including spying on his campaign. In the first few months of presidency, White House Senior Bullshit Adviser Kellyanne Conway famously quipped that the White House had been bugged with microwaves that could spy on the Trump administration.
“This is just another hoax, everyone. Just a hoax that’s causing several prominent Republicans to have to self-quarantine themselves, including my incoming chief of staff, Imperial Grand Wizard Mark Meadows,” Trump said, “and do you know what the worst part is? It’s a hoax that was started by Obama and prolly Biden to hurt my chances at a re-election, or worse, as a full-on coup to remove me! But I know everyone is too smart to fall for their tricks, and I’ve ordered Rudy and Billy Barr to get to the bottom of this nonsense right-friggin’-now.”
President Obama issued a statement regarding the accusations that he and Biden cooked up the coronavirus to hurt President Trump.
“I swear on my longform, Kenyan birth certificate that Donald Trump is completely right, and I created the coronavirus,” Obama’s statement reads. “That’s right, I swear on every FEMA camp and confiscated gun in them that Trump’s telling the truth. Absolutely. The guy never lies. He never just spews toxically moronic bullshit, nope, not at all. So, sure, yeah, everybody, this one’s completely accurate, mmmhmmm. Allahu Akbar everybody!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.