TEXAS — A spokesperson for the novel coronavirus issued a statement this morning announcing that her client had decided to self-quarantine from Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), in order to protect itself from being “infected with bizarre Christofascism” and hopefully “prevent the spread of virulent Trumpism.”
“My client, the novel coronavirus, under the advice of trained professionals, has decided that there are just some humans that are too toxic, disgusting, and unbearable to inhabit and infect,” Glenda Carter read her client’s statement aloud to reporters only a couple of hours ago, “and will do everything in its power to stay completely and utterly away from Senator Ted Cruz. My client feels like there is no worse punishment than being exposed to Senator Cruz for any extended period of time, and that goes for both humans and infectious diseases.”
There was some confusion among the reporters, because Cruz has long been classified by the CDC as a disease himself, however, Carter cleared that up as well.
“People need to realize that not all diseases play nicely with each other, or like each other for that matter,” Carter told everyone. “It’s like how they use the HIV virus for certain cancer treatments. The coronavirus and the Cruzona virus as we call him just don’t get along. Think of coronavirus and Ted Cruz like cancer and HIV except Ted Cruz is both cancer and HIV. The point is, my client would never expose himself willing to Cruz because it doesn’t hate itself that much.”
Over the weekend, it was divulged that someone who later tested positive for a coronavirus infection had attended and interacted with several people at the recently held Conservative Political Action Conference, or CPAC. Senator Cruz and Republican Congressman Paul Gossar were identified as people who had come into contact with the infected person at CPAC. So far, the identify of that person has not been released.
“The coronavirus is actually quite grateful that Senator Cruz has decided to quarantine himself, because coronavirus believes that Cruz poses a far bigger threat to society than it does,” Carter said. “It’s just out of an abundance of caution for its own sanity, health, and well-being that my client has decided to take it the extra step of putting itself on a quarantine from Cruz. In fact, my client highly recommends the rest of America do the same thing it is, and put yourselves on a quarantine from him.”
In response to this development, the CDC has issued new guidelines on how to avoid a Cruzavirus infection.
“In order to greatly reduce your risk of being infected with Ted Cruz, simple precautions can be taken,” the CDC’s guidelines states, “Simply turning off Fox News, shutting down any browsers with Breitbart on them, and unfollowing him on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram will significantly reduce the chances you’ll be exposed to his toxic stupidity and viral misanthropy.”
Senator Cruz could not be reached for comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.