WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump awoke to some good news for a change. The COVID-19 pandemic is still raging throughout the country, with enormous portions of the economy still under at least some form of restriction in several states. His poll numbers did not get any kind of real “bounce” from his party’s convention. However, those things aside, it was still a good morning for Trump because he found out that a far-right, anti-immigrant politician from Norway nominated him for a Nobel Peace Prize.
As reported by the Associated Press today, Trump was nominated for the same prize given to one of his archrivals, former President Barack Hussein Obama.
Christian Tybring-Gjedde, a member of the Norwegian parliament for the populist Progress Party, said Trump should be considered because of his work “for a peace agreement between the United Arab Emirates and Israel which opens up for possible peace in the Middle East.” (AP)
As excited and pleased as the president must surely have been to receive news of his nomination, it wasn’t the only cause for celebration in the White House this morning.
“It is with great pride that I announce to you the nominees for the Nobel Piece of Shit Prize,” Nobel deputy spokesperson Niles McGee said at a press conference today, “and for the first time ever, it’s a one person race! This year’s one and only nominee is none other than President Donald John Trump of the United States of America.”
Each year, a specially selected subcommittee of the same team that selects each year’s Nobel Peace Prizes comes together to nominate and select a “Piece of Shit.” McGee says that the Nobel committee usually considers at least half a dozen different nominations for the award, and that each of the last three years President Trump has been nominated. However, unlike previous times, this year Mr. Trump faces no competition for the award.
“In any given year, we get at least a handful of nominations. However, given the state of things in America, and given how very little President Trump has actually done to lead the country through any of it,” McGee said, “I’m not surprised to see him edging anyone else out in the nomination process.”
Aside from the pandemic and economic collapse, McGee says that Trump “would probably have a leg-up” on everyone else, even if there was a coronavirus vaccine and unemployment was at 2%.
“At the end of the day, he’s a racist, stokes racism, and oh yeah, has put brown babies in cages in concentration camps,” McGee said, “so, it’s kind of hard for us to see anyone else winning this award until the day comes when that gelatinous fascist fucksicle does the world a favor and keels over.”
Ever impressed with himself, President Trump retweeted posts about his Nobel Prize nomination no less than seventeen separate times. As of yet, he still has not responded to his second nomination of the day However, just moments ago, while hosting the CEO of MyPillow in the Oval Office for a strategy session on reopening the economy, he gave reporters some brief reactions to the news.
“Two awards in one day. Did that previous URBAN president get two in one day? I don’t think so,” Trump said with smug satisfaction on his face. “I think, of course, as president that I am entitled to take whatever prize I want. You know what I say, grab ’em by the trophies and all. So no matter what the award is for, I want it. This is no different.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.