SECRET COMMIE SHARIA BUNKER, SOMEWHERE IN KENYA — Former President and current Dark Lord of Socialism Barack Hussein Obama has reportedly been caught in recorded audio admitting that he was behind the sinking of several boats near Austin, Texas recently.
It was a chaotic scene. Boats of several sizes and carrying groups that also varied in size were part of an event staged to show support for President Donald Trump’s re-election. Out on Lake Travis, near Austin, Texas, dozens of boaters flew Trump flags and sped around the lake showing their love and adoration for their dear president. However, a day of fun in the sun turned quite tragic for several of the smaller and mid-sized boats out on the lake.
Rescue crews started receiving calls that pro-Trump boats were sinking. While some pointed to video of the larger, more expensive boats zooming past the smaller ones, their wake causing major problems for the cheaper boats and their crews, it didn’t take long for rumors to start circulating that something else far more deliberate was to blame for the capsized boats. This morning, right-wing social media was abuzz with talk that none other than Obama himself was behind boats’ sinking.
“I have it on good authority from a guy I was talking to on 4Chan last night that there’s audio of former President Obama admitting that he was the one who ordered the attack on the Trump boats,” Rep. Matt Gaetz said from his living room bar on OANN’s morning show today. “On that tape, you can clearly hear Obama, or at the very least someone we really want to be Obama, telling George Soros that Operation Jade Helm will be complete after the attack on our beloved Trump boaters.”
Gaetz called for an “immediate and swift” congressional inquiry into the matter.
“Well, I have to say that if these reports are true, we probably need to impeach President Obama,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Pee-Pee Hole) told reporters this morning on his way to breakfast. “There’s nothing in the Constitution that says we can’t do it, and quite frankly I think we need at least sixteen weeks of hearings to determine if he should be sent immediately to Gitmo for his crimes.”
A copy of the audio recording was sent to this outlet and our fact-checkers are still verifying its contents. What can be reported for certain is that on the recording, what appears to be a male’s voice is heard speaking to someone on a phone call. Only one person’s voice is audible in the recording. At one point in the recording, the man seems to clearly suggest that Operation Jade Helm — a military training exercise of the Obama era that rankled conservatives at the time — was related to the boats sinking.
“As you know, Master Soros, we had to significantly change or delay parts of Jade Helm once those jerks in the conservative media got wind of what we were really planning,” the voice is heard saying. “However, now that we’ve managed to pull off the final part of the mission — sinking Trump boats — we can officially close out the file on Jade Helm and begin with Operation Defund God. I couldn’t be happier at how well our new soup can torpedos performed.”
The White House is reportedly considering sending the Navy to Lake Travis to defend it.
“I’m not gonna get ahead of the president,” Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters today, “but I will say that if these reports are even close to being true, and they probably are because the president thinks they are, and that’s frankly good enough for us, then we will be asking the attorney general to begin the process of bringing the Soros-ObamaBiden cabal to justice.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.