FUGLY HEIGHTS, ARKANSAS — In under 70 days, the general public will have their first chance to choose who will lead the country in four years, and both major parties’ candidates have campaigns full of surrogates hoping to convince Americans to vote for them.
In the history of American politics, there are few who were more skilled liars, who lied nearly as much, as former Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. In fact, Ms. Huckabee Sanders is such a proficient and some say prodigious liar that in 2018 she was awarded Lying Piece of Shit Monthly’s “Lying Fuckstick of the Year.” Huckabee’s win that year was historic because it she was a co-winner with her boss at the time, President Donald J. Trump, marking the first time the venerable publication has given their highest award to two people in one year.
Today, in multiple interviews on ABC, the smoky-eyed lying fuckstick gave interviews defending the piss-stained, daughter lusting lying fuckstick against accusations that he disparaged fallen soldiers. In an article published by The Atlantic last week, it was alleged that President Trump didn’t feel like he needed to visit a cemetery that held the remains of fallen soldiers from the first World War and in doing so called fallen soldiers “losers” and “suckers.” The story seemed to really rile up the president, who often tries to project the image that he is the president who has cared the most about veterans and the currently enlisted.
Sanders said she was present on the day Trump reportedly called fallen service members “losers” and “suckers” and that “those comments didn’t happen.” ABC News has not confirmed The Atlantic’s account. (ABC)
Huckabee Sanders accused the anonymous sources in the Atlantic story of being “disgruntled” former employees of the president’s who had reasons to hold grudges against him. She also implied they were not telling the truth, and that the key details are lies. Despite Huckabee Sanders’ denials, more outlets have in fact confirmed the story since it was published.
When Huckabee Sanders’ ABC appearances were concluded, she gave an interview to W-KKK AM’s Chip Chatterly, host of The Right Nationalism Power Hours, and continued to disparage the sources in the Atlantic piece.
“Chip, it’s just disgusting that these people would tell such horrible lies about Donald Trump, who I can personally attest to having the ability to shit ice cream,” Huckabee Sanders said. “I’m not talkin’ about no crazy libtarded Ben & Jerry’s flavor with all kindsa flavors and stuff, I’m talkin’ about good ol’ American white vanilla, fam! Trump shits ice cream, and these people have the audacity to lie about what he thinks about the vets?”
Huckabee Sanders could be heard farting on the phone. Her emotions were clearly making her breathe a little heavier than usual. As she farted, she continued to speak.
“Believe me, Chip, if anyone knows what lyin’ looks like, it’s me,” Sanders insisted. “You ever noticed how a dog can tell about another dog by sniffing its asshole? Well, let’s just say I really enjoy sticking my nose up dogs’ assholes, and let’s also say I can tell when someone is lying, because Mike Tyson is good at telling who can box and rape in much the same way.”
Most of the rest of the interview was just farts and Huckabee Sanders also kept pushing gas out of her butthole.
|Editor’s Note: We apologize for the graphic satirical imagery of Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ butthole contained within the final sentence of this piece, and direct any complaints to our parent company via self-addressed stamped envelope.|
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.