Man Who Intentionally Wiped Out 200k Americans Outraged Mueller’s Agents Accidentally Wiped Their Phones

WASHINGTON, D.C. — If there’s one thing we know about Trump supporters, it’s that part of their core values is the belief that no one in a position of power in the government should have a reason to wipe data from electronic devices, ever.

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During the 2016 presidential campaign season, the issue of whether or not former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton improperly or illegally deleted emails from a server that resided on a server she owned and controlled was one of the most talked-about issues. Mainstream media outlets that President Trump has spent four years lambasting as “enemies of the people” helped foment and create a narrative that, perhaps, Clinton had indeed participated in some nefarious cover-up or another, and that the email deletion was a smoking gun of sorts. Right-leaning websites publicized stories about whether Clinton hired firms to use a “bleachbit” technology to erase the data on her servers, adding fuel to their conspiracy theory’s fire.

Despite their hopes, and even assurances from Trump that Ms. Clinton would be “locked up,” during his first term, authorities declined to prosecute her for anything. However, last week in Trumplandia a new scandal involving the deletion of data arose. This time, Trump loyalists are accusing Special Counsel Robert Mueller and his staff of improperly deleting their cell phone data.

So far, the explanation has been that the Mueller team’s investigators didn’t erase their phones intentionally, nor with any corrupt intent. However, that hasn’t stopped Trump and his supporters in the media from raging against Mueller all weekend long and into Monday morning. The president’s third-smartest son, Donald Trump Jr, tweeted an accusation at Mueller and called his team “crooked henchmen.”

This morning, President Trump gave remarks to the press about the wildfires in California, and was asked about the situation with Mueller’s team’s phones. Not one to pass up a chance to opine on whether he is a victim, the president blasted Mueller and former President Barack Obama’s administration, especially former Vice President Joe Biden.

“Well, I just think it’s absolutely horrible what Bob Mueller’s crooked angry Democrat mob did to those phones. They wiped them out, on purpose,” Trump shouted though he was only feet away from everyone in the Oval Office. “I’m somewhat of an expert on wiping things out, as you all know. I’ve kinda set the record for being the president who wiped out the most Americans on purpose. I wanted to play it down; I always wanted to play it down, remember?”

Trump pulled a six pack of Diet Coke out from a refrigerated drawer he had added to the Resolute Desk. He cracked open the first can and chugged it down in one go. Then, he opened another and sipped from it while he spoke to the press.

“I hereby demand that Billy Barr personally arrest, try, and execute if found guilty, any and all of Bob Mueller’s team that erased their phone’s contents,” Trump said. “Again, I’m not just pulling this out of my ass like usual. I have very recent, good experience with wiping things out, and I can tell you flat out they wiped those phones out on purpose!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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