Ted Cruz Says Trump’s Dick “Tastes Like a Lifetime Appointment”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Scholars of American history perhaps have never answered the question before, but certainly there’s never been a need to before the current man in the Oval Office started his presidency. Regardless, in the last four years a raging debate has begun among several top Republican officials, and that debate continues to rage on, even as the nation gears-up to decide whether to re-elect President Donald Trump. The question, of course, is, “What does Donald Trump’s dick taste like?”

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Some have speculated that it tastes like borscht and shame. Others believe that Trump’s phallus has the distinct flavor of his daughter’s nether-holes. But there are some who could actually give a much more specific, and experience-based culinary review of the president’s penis — such as the elected Republicans who have made it part of their political futures to knob him off, in the parlance of our times.

Back in April, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was the first to officially make an attempt to adequately relay just what Trump’s dick tastes like. As reported by our sister publication, Alternative Facts, McConnell said the president has a dong that tastes “like total authority” to him.

“Well now, I of course can only speak for myself, and I can only really say this with confidence when there’s a Republican in the White House,” McConnell said, rubbing a piece of coal all over his genitals as he spoke, “but I just don’t see what all the fuss is about a president saying he has total authority over things. Isn’t that what we Americans need right now, a kingly emperor of a president? I certainly think so.” (AltFacts)

One person whose opinion on the flavor and consistency of Trump’s penis that the American people might be able to trust most is Sen. Ted Cruz. Despite absolutely pilloring Trump during the 2016 presidential campaign, calling him many of the same things others have such as racist and incompetent — Cruz has cozied up more and more to Trump as the last four years have played out. Even though Trump famously insulted Cruz’s wife and called her ugly, and insinuated that Cruz’s father helped plan JFK’s assassination, Cruz has only put himself nearer and nearer to the president to the point that many wonder if the Texas Republican might not have the experience he needs to accurately describe just what Trump’s dick tastes like.

This morning, it would seem that Sen. Cruz had decided to step into that role and do exactly that. Speaking on W-KKK AM’s morning drive time show with conservative talk host Chip Chatterly, Cruz explained that he’d been trying to come up with the right adjectives to describe what Trump’s dick tastes like, but that it wasn’t until Trump put Cruz on the short list of candidates to get a Supreme Court seat, that “it all came together” for him.

“You know Chip, a lot of folks have asked me that question, and it’s given me cause for great consideration and deliberation, and frankly more than a little masturbation,” Cruz said. “However, all of a sudden, as I was watching Dear President announce my name as a potential Supreme Court nominee, it finally hit me. I knew exactly how to describe to people what his magnificent, very normal looking, sized, and shaped genitals taste like.”

Chatterly told Cruz he was “waiting with ears and mouth wide open.”

“Trump’s dick tastes like a lifetime appointment. Exactly like a lifetime appointment should taste, Chip,” Cruz announced. “It certainly feels good knowing that the price of trading in your soul is a Supreme Court seat. I gotta tell you, after making a political career out of demonizing people who get checks from the government, the thought of getting one for the rest of my life makes my nipples so fucking hard, fam!”

The White House issued a brief statement thanking Cruz for his “steadfast sycophancy and unwavering commitment to facile, feckless obsequiousness.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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