WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump amplified his heated rhetoric toward Canada with a tweet from the Commander in Chief this morning warning of an “attack on our economy” by America’s northern neighbor.
“The never ending Maple Mexican attack on our economy from the north must be addressed and if the 13 ANGRY DEMOCRATS leading the Russian witch hunt investigation weren’t too busy with that, they’d be able to help me stop it,” Trump tweeted.
Reporters in the Oval Office seemed taken aback by Trump’s invention of a new, heretofore unheard pejorative for Canada. One reporter asked Trump if he thought it was wise to be so brash and insulting toward one of the country’s longest standing allies, especially as he was escalating a trade war. Trump scoffed.
“First of all, you asked a tough question and will be forever known as FAKE NEWS, which means you have to be taken out and thrown onto the heap of FAKE NEWS reporters I have officially decreed to be unworthy of the First Amendment,” Trump said, snapping his fingers.
Moments later, a pair of men entered and dragged the reporter out of the room.
“Where were we? Oh, right, stopping the Maple Mexicans,” Trump said. “Here’s the thing — Canada is bad. They are too polite. Ever wonder why they’re so nice to us? Makes me think they’re hiding something. God knows I’m never nice or civil unless it’s going to benefit me monetarily or stroke my ego. So I have to assume everyone is as much a sociopath and selfish misanthrope as I am.”
The president insists that the war of words between the two countries will not have a last impact on the continent.
“What’s a little bitter animus between neighbors anyway? You really think everyone who lived in Trump Tower likes me,” Trump asked rhetorically. “Of course they do. Everyone loves me. In fact, someone came up to me the other day and told me I was, literally, the best and smartest human being ever. Just something to consider, is all I’m saying. Wait. Where was I?”
President Trump farted, shrugged, and then left the Oval Office for some “personal time” which meant four hours locked in the bathroom with his Blackberry and Twitter account.