WASHINGTON, D.C. — Within moments of Justice Anthony Kennedy announcing his retirement at the end of July, there were dozens of klansmen lining up around the Supreme Court wanting to apply for his position, and several more have been spotted at the White House in the Oval Office taking their resumés.
“I just came down here to throw my hood in the ring,” Cletus Wrinkle told reporters as he lined up in his freshest white robe with his CV in hand. “I ain’t never gradge-ee-ated from no law school, but Dear President Trump weren’t never no politician before he was presidented so I fig-ur I got as good a chance as anyone!”
Another man, also clad in a white robe but with his hood firmly on, said he was “curious” about what the interview process would be like.
“I ain’t never read the Constul-toochin’ so I have no earthly clue how we go about replacing burrito supreme court judges,” the man said. “But I was curious about the hiring process and thought, hell, if Obummer can be a Consto-toopin’ schooler, why cayn’t I be on the damn court?”
It’s unclear at this time who is on President Trump’s shortlist to fill the vacancy that Kennedy will create next month. However, all of the klansmen we spoke to at the scene indicated they believe they have what the Trump administration is looking for.
“I have the right values, if you know what I mean,” Skeet Palumbo told us. “And by right I mean white, of course. Look man, times are tough still okay? Sure, President Trump has given us the best economy ever, singlehandedly, but I still need a job, you know, fam?”
Palumbo was seen later fucking a burning cross and shouting, “THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!”
Kevin Ryan, founder of Unbiased America, a right-wing Facebook page that is not unbiased by even the most stretched definition of the word, was also lined up, but he said he couldn’t find his robes and hood.
“I hope Orange Daddy likes this flaming T I brought him,” Ryan said. “But I can see a lot of my white brothers brought flaming T’s, so maybe I won’t stick out as much as I had hoped I would. Bummer. Oh well, time to go cherry pick some more shit and spew a right-wing narrative to my echo chamber Facebook page fans.”
Reached for comment, President Trump said he is “bigly honored and impressed” by the number of members of the Ku Klux Klan that are applying for the job, and that he will “hire the best fascist for the gig.”
“All of these men look like good people to me. You know how I always see the good in people,” Trump said. “Look at how nicely ironed and pressed their sheets are!”
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.