Sarah Huckabee Sanders Invited To Dine At Reserved Trough In Virginia Restaurant

BOVINE VALLEY, VIRGINIA — Friday night, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked by the owner of the Red Hen restaurant in Virginia to leave the establishment, and the next day she tweeted about her experience.

Sanders tweeted that she was “told by the owner of Red Hen in Lexington, VA to leave” and she complied politely. Huckabee said the owner’s “actions say far more about” the owner than about the press secretary. Ms. Huckabee Sanders’ tweet, which some feel violated government ethics laws because it came from her official government Twitter account, is below.

Despite the fact that conservatives have largely championed the rights of business owners to discriminate against potential customers for any reason they please, right-wing America exploded with outrage at Huckabee Sanders’ dismissal from the Red Hen. Calls for boycotts were mixed with negative Yelp reviews, while anti-Trump Americans responded with equally positive reviews on social media. The controversy reached a fever pitch when the most powerful man in the free world took time out of his extremely busy Fox News watching schedule to wade into the affair on Twitter.

While some have knocked the President of the United States for using his power and influence to bully a small business owner on Twitter, some in Virginia are attempting to mend the political divide in their own way, with their own restaurants. In particular, Joe Malabrua — owner and operator of Suds Mackenzie’s in Bovine Valley, has made an offer to Press Secretary Huckabee Sanders that he says he hopes will “show the entire country the generosity of spirit and togetherness” he says the country was founded on. Mr. Malabrua said he is not a registered member of either party, but he is not a Trump supporter. However, he did say that Huckabee would be “always welcome” in his restaurant.

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“And we just installed special troughs where she and her entire family can come and eat, without having to graze out in the field anymore,” Malabrua said. “Hell, I will put a Reserved sign on one of our troughs and that can be just Sarah’s spot. She’ll be like Frank and Dean-O at Matteo’s back in the day. I just want her to come in and enjoy a nice meal, which she can shove in to her face in comfort.”

When asked, Mr. Malabrua admits that the troughs he installed in his restaurant are for normally used for pigs, and that it might seem like he’s making some kind of comparison between a pig and Ms. Huckabee Sanders. Malabrua confirmed he was doing exactly that.

“Am I saying she’s a pig? Yes,” Mr. Malabrua said. “Am I saying she’s a pig because she literally looks like Miss Piggy? A little. But I’m really saying she’s a pig because she proudly rolls around in her own shit all day and then acts like none of us are supposed to note her stench, and that sounds pretty piggish to me.”

Ms. Sanders didn’t respond to Mr. Malabrua’s invitation by the time of publication.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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