Trump Confident All His Kids He Wants to Fuck Will Visit Him in Prison

“For starters, we’ll probably end up in the same prison system, so it’s not like she’ll be able to duck me like she can right now.” Former President Donald J. Trump

Despite the fact that days after he proclaimed he’d be arrested he’s still walking free at the Mar-A-Lago buffet line, former President Donald Trump told reporters he’s feeling less and less worried about what will happen if that changes. Speaking to reporters as he waited to get his third round of flapjacks today, Trump explained why he’s confident a jail sentence wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

“I don’t wanna go to jail, but if I gotta, then at least I know that every one of my kids will visit me there every single day,” Trump boasted before adding, “Well, the kids I want to fuck anyway. Then again, I don’t usually acknowledge Eric and the dumber one as being my kids to begin with, so maybe that’s not even something I need to get into.”

RELATED: NYC Advises Trump Lawyers They Don’t Have Family Prison Cells

Trump hesitated for a moment before continuing, farting as he decided to speak again.

“No, it’s good that I tell you this. It’s definitely good. The country needs to know how much I adore and love my darling Ivanka. Sexy, sexy, sexy,” Trump was rubbing his crotch slowly, breathing heavily, sweat forming at his temples, “SEXY Ivanka. The point is, of course, Ivanka is sexy, and she will visit me.”

The ex-president said he’s even sure he’ll see Ivanka if somehow she ends up having to go to jail for her part in the family’s decades-long crime spree.

“For starters, we’ll probably end up in the same prison system,” Trump explained, “so it’s not like she’ll be able to duck me like she can right now.”

RELATED: Cruz Says He’ll Be Trump’s Prison Bitch


Sure…keep your head up, Don. #TrumpArrest #satire #political #politics #DonaldTrump

♬ original sound – James Schlarmann – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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