NYC Advises Trump Lawyers They Don’t Have Family Prison Cells

Despite the fact that no arrests have been thus far, it seems like the entire country is waiting with bated breath for the moment that former President Donald Trump is charged by Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg, arrested, and arraigned. Perhaps nobody is as anxious about what’s going to happen than Trump himself, whose posts on social media have become increasingly frantic, accusatory, and cope-filled of late.

There is so much that is truly unprecedented about a former president being arrested and criminally charged, that many legal experts are themselves stumped about how it will all play out. With so many questions swirling about the logistics of prosecuting Trump, it made sense that Bragg’s office would hold a press conference and give the public some information they’ve been wanting. In particular, Bragg’s office stated that if at any point their criminal probe extends its target to Trump’s children, each member of Trump’s family will have to serve their sentence in their own jail cell.

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Manhattan District Attorney spokesperson Tim McFeely spoke to us via Skype this afternoon, shortly after the press conference concluded.

“We certainly understand why a family might like to serve their sentences together, but the law is very clear here in New York – separate cells for family members convicted of crimes,” McFeely said. “As much as the Trump family might be used to getting treated like they’re different, or above the law, by some in the conservative media industry, the law doesn’t make such exceptions.”

In response, Trump issued a proposal via Truth Social. He asked that a special exemption be made, and that just he and his First Lady be allowed to share a cell. Mr. McFeely said that, too, is a “non-starter” for DA Bragg.

“We received Mr. Trump’s request, but I can assure you it won’t be granted, and his First Lady will have to sleep in her own cell,” McFeely said. “Mr. Trump could see Ivanka after his or her sentence is served, though. There are consequences for doing crimes, and one of them is not getting to sleep next the object of your incestuous desires.”

RELATED: Three Top Attorneys Have Already Offered to Represent Trump for Free


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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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