Cruz Says He’ll Be Trump’s Prison Bitch If No One Else Will

Senator Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) has taken to social media in the last few days to defend the man who once publicly called his wife ugly, surprising absolutely nobody. However, in an interview on Newsmax today, Cruz made headlines when he volunteered to do what he called “the honor and thrill of [his] lifetime,” while former President Donald Trump potentially sits in jail.

On Newsmax, Cruz promised to be Trump’s “prison bitch” and even said he’s open to providing the ex-president conjugal visits. Senator Cruz said he’d “suck that mangled mushroom cap so hard it flies out the back” of his throat. The Texas Republican told our reporter he was too busy to answer questions about this situation, but a few hours later, someone from his office contacted us.

RELATED: Hillary Clinton Circling Mar-A-Lago Shouting “Lock Him up!”

We asked Timothy Potswell, Cruz’s junior media liaison, what drove his boss to make such an announcement.

“Obviously, Senator Cruz would prefer it if First Lady Ivanka does her MAGA wife-and-daughterly duties, because she is far more experienced at licking her dad’s peen than he is,” Potswell told us. “However, given that former President Trump could be in prison for awhile, and has the same needs so many men have, Senator Cruz is willing and able to be Trump’s prison bitch, if no other inmate wants that honor.”

Mr. Potswell said that his boss has strong confidence that he can satisfy Trump sexually.

“As much as the senator doesn’t want to toot his own horn, he can’t deny that between 2016 and now, he’s gotten a lot of experience in the arena of polishing Trump’s taint with his tongue,” Potswell explained, “and Senator Cruz believes he could really knock President Trump’s socks off, given the chance.”

Potswell indicated that Cruz has been in contact with a couple other elected Republicans, and they have set up a tentative rotation so that more than one of them can be Trump’s prison bitch.

“Josh Hawley, Matt Gaetz, and Marjorie Taylor Greene all volunteered to share the role with Senator Cruz,” Potswell said. “However, New York prison guidelines are quite unambiguous about it being against the law for conjugal visits with horses, so Marjorie is probably shit out of luck on that one.”

RELATED: Three Top Attorneys Have Already Offered to Represent Trump for Free


Very kind of #TedCruz but can he fight #MarjorieTaylorGreene and #MattGaetz off for the job? #Trump #satire #politics #politik #TrumpArrest

♬ original sound – James Schlarmann – James Schlarmann

Follow James: PostTikTokTwitterInstagramFacebook

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This