LAGO DE IDIOTA, FLORIDA — Historians may debate which president was the most impactful, which president had the most challenges, and which president was the most popular, but one thing historians are already agreeing on is who the dumbest man to ever occupy the White House has been. That man is none other than Donald John Tiny-Fingers-in-His-Daughter’s-Crotch Trump, the 45th President of the United States of America.
“Donald Trump will go down in history as the stupidest president, that much is true,” historian and University of North-Southern Iowa Bay University Prof. Marian Paroo told us recently. “That is, of course, unless one of his children ends up becoming president one day. Somehow, remarkably, all of his children ended up dumber than he is. A real feat.”
In particular, Prof. Paroo believes that the man who bears his father’s name, Donald Trump Jr — who is the former president’s third-smartest son — might “really give his papa a run for his money in the stupid marathon.”
“When it comes to being stupid, Donald Trump Jr does it a really elite, professional level,” Paroo explained. “In the entire recorded history of humankind, there have never been any other people who have been documented to be stupider. He fell out of the stupid tree, smacked every branch on the way down, and his head ended up buried in the idiotic soil. I’m saying Donald Trump Jr is fucking stupid as fuck here, people.”
Prof. Paroo might be onto something, because apparently Trump Jr’s stupidity is so well-known, and such a self-evident part of who he is, that he intends to use it to shield himself from criminal liability.
“This morning, we were informed by counsel for Mr. Donald Trump Jr that he intends to plead stupidity to any and all charges brought by this office,” New York Attorney General Letitia James said. “We have informed Mr. Trump Jr that we’re not aware of stupidity being a valid defense of criminal fraud, but that we’d let him know if we found anything on that subject.”
AG James indicated the letter took her office by surprise because no charges against the junior Trump have even been filed yet.
“The simple truth is that, yes, we are investigating the Trump Organization in a criminal capacity” James said, “but we have not made any charging decisions, and Mr. Trump may not ever be charged. However, that being said, it’s nice to know where his legal team will likely be headed, if we do. Let’s us plan and strategize ourselves a little better.”
|Become a Patron!|
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.