“They said that a planet full of horse-faced cave trolls isn’t what they had in mind when they thought about making first contact with earth creatures.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a truly stunning admission, the Pentagon announced today that not only have they recorded verified instances of alien spacecraft entering Earth’s atmosphere, they know why the life forms piloting the ships didn’t stop to make first contact with humanity.
“The time has come for us to level with not only the American people, but with the global community,” a Pentagon announcement published this morning reads, “and tell the truth, once and for all. The U.S. Department of Defense has confirmed that aliens have visited Earth on more than one occasion during the last two years, and they have decided that humanity is too stupid to contact as of yet.”
According to the DOD, aliens from an unknown world were caught on a “hot mic” telling each other that “Earth looks cool,” but that its residents are “dumb as shit.” Apparently, the aliens were basing their conclusions on a single human earthling. After watching an interview of Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA), they decided humanity wasn’t ready, intellectually speaking, for them to make contact with us.
Speaking to reporters this morning, Natalie Battally, a junior spokesperson for the Pentagon, explained the situation in greater detail.
“They said that a planet full of horse-faced cave trolls isn’t what they had in mind when they thought about making first contact with earth creatures,” Battally said. “Then they literally turned a 180 and activated their thrusters. They were out of Earth’s atmosphere and half-way out of our solar system by the time we knew what we were listening to.”
While filming a video for her social media accounts in which she put a sign up on Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’ office door that read, “Debate me you disrespectful butthole,” Greene commented on the news of the day.
“You know what? The lamestream media might not want me to say these things, but I’m so frickin’ proud of what happened with them aliens,” Greene said, blowing out crack smoke and smiling at the camera. “Call me crazy, but I think ALL aliens should come to this country legally. It doesn’t matter if they’re coming from Mars or Mexico, okay fam?”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.