Trump: “Harris and Biden Are Dangerous Marxist Commies in Wall Street’s Back Pocket!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Lashing out at the Democratic Party’s presidential ticket this morning, President Donald Trump labeled former Vice President Joe Biden and his newly-announced running mate Sen. Kamala Harris of California as “dangerous Marxist commies in Wall Street’s back pocket.”

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This week, Biden ended months of speculation, which included publicizing the fact that his shortlist was narrowed largely to women of color, when he selected Harris as his Vice President. Senator Harris had challenged Biden in the primary, and even made major national headlines when she pressed him on his prior support of segregated busing back in the 1970’s. Biden is not the first potential American president to select someone who ran against him in the primary as his running mate; President Reagan selected future President George H.W. Bush as his VP in 1980’s election, for example.

“I’m just shocked and blown away that Sleepy Po Peepy Doe Deepy Ko-Keepy Biden chose Kam-kim-keem-ul-a or whatever her name is,” Trump said as he put his feet up on the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office this morning, farting loudly and filling his adult diaper with urine in the process. “Because she’s only going to drag him further left, while also making sure he goes to the right and gets cozy with Wall Street! If you ask me, one thing is extremely obvious — Harris and Biden are dangerous Marxist commies in Wall Street’s back pocket!”

Congressman Devin Nunes (R-CA) poked his head up from behind the resk when he heard Trump speaking. He smiled and nodded. Then, Nunes agreed with Trump, never taking his gaze from the president’s while he spoke.

“Couldn’t have said it better myself, Mr. President,” Nunes said, “and nobody, literally nobody else who has ever lived, or will live, could either!”

Trump patted Nunes on the head and then pushed him back down under the desk.

“My asshole’s not gonna spit polish itself, Dev,” Trump said as Nunes ducked under the president. “I just think we need to make sure the American people are aware of the fact that Joe and Kamala are very clearly Marxist socialist commies who will destroy our beautiful free market economy with the help of Wall Street bankers who are financing them.”

The president almost seemed to grasp just how paradoxical he was sounding. However, at the same moment, Stephen Miller flipped a quarter into the air to decide whether today was the day he drafted his “solution” for the children still being held in border camps, and the glint from the coin distracted Trump. He shrugged, farted, and hurried the reporters out of the Oval Office.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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