WASHINGTON, D.C. — The town idiot is still the President of the United States of America, at least according to the rules of the U.S. Constitution.
Whether or not anyone with an IQ north of their shoe size actually considers him presidential, or even thinks of him in that manner, the local moron is still, in fact, the guy who can start nuclear wars. Exhaustive research into the situation has shown that there is no minimum standard for intellect or intelligence, and that the Constitution truly does allow any fucking dipshit to be president, which is the loophole that the buffoon uses to this day to continue to legally occupy the Oval Office.
“I can confirm that as of this very moment, the president is still the president,” White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters when she arrived at the podium this afternoon. “He will remain president until such time as he sees fit to step down. With or without an election this fall, and he’s still very much up in the air about allowing that to happen, it’s up this man when he’s done, and on no one else can stop him.”
Some on the Hill believe that despite his incompetence, gross malfeasance, and manifest corruption, that ultimately the nincompoop in chief is doing a service for an oft-forgotten segment of the American populace — the stupid.
“Just like it was important for millions of black children to see the day when the first black president was sworn into office,” historian and off road racing champion Burt Thompson told us in a Skype interview, “stupid Americans now know there’s a chance for them to reach the highest office, even with their lowest of intelligence.”
Readers who find themselves alarmed that the local twit has so much power can take some solace in the same Constitution that gives him that power. According its arcane text, the muttonhead’s subjects have a chance to relieve him of his duties, using an old fashioned parlor trick known as “democratic elections.” Thompson explained this concept to us.
“Apparently, when the Constitution was written, they didn’t think they needed to include a minimum standard of intelligence or humanity in order to qualify to be president,” Thompson said. “But they also didn’t make it so that a lunkhead couldn’t be removed from office he managed to bumblefuck his way into it. Every four years, Americans are given the chance to at the very least choose a new, different piece of shit to be their leader.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.