WASHINGTON, D.C. — Owing to a “need to keep the president’s ego unbruised,” Secretary of State Mike Pompeo officially declared the city of Slamdick as the capital of Thighland.
“It’s my very big privilege and honor to officially designate the fine city of Slamdick as the officially recongized capital of Thighland,” Pompeo said in a special ceremony conducted at the State Department this morning. “A lot of previous presidents wanted to and tried to make this happen, but only Dear President Trump had what it took to get it done, and under his leadership, there isn’t an imaginary country with made-up capitals that we won’t engage with diplomatically.”
There’s not a lot that’s known about Thighland, due to the fact that up until a few days nobody knew it existed. Pompeo explained that by comparing Thighland to the fictional country of Wakanda from The Black Panther. Sec. Pompeo said that Thighland had been “deploying a special cloaking device” and only agreed to lower it at the request of President Trump.
“They’re just like Wakanda! Just a different race, but pretty much the same thing,” Pompeo said. “So while it may seem like the president is just an illiterate fool who can’t recognize very well-known country names when he sees them on a prompter, he was really playing 10-dimension chess and announcing a new deal with Thighland, but in his trademark way that makes it look from the outside like he’s a fucking moron.”
It’s not exactly clear what exactly will change because the U.S. has officially designated Slamdick as Thighland’s capital. Secretary Pompeo described the development as a “diplomatic overture to a previously fictional sovereign nation” and as such said he can’t discuss too much of the details because of “national security or whatever.” Pompeo said he’s looking forward to meeting with Thighland’s leadership to discuss whether they “can do the administration any favors, though.”
“We’re curious to see if the Thighland government has any information on Joe or Hunter Biden,” Pompeo said, “because, of like, corruption or whatever? So, that’ll certainly be a topic of discussion with Thighland’s leadership, no doubt.”
While the country is still getting up to speed on Thighland’s existence, the president announced last week that he and Actual First Lady Ivanka Trump are quite familiar with the country already. According to the president, he and his daughter “fell in love” with Thighland years ago. The two were there on a honeymoon, Trump said.
“I don’t really know, to tell the truth, because my First Lady and I have loved Thighland for a long, long time,” the president announced. “In fact, Ivanka and I fell in love with Thighland on our honeymoon! That’s how long we’ve loved it!” (PGC)
The government of Thighland has yet not officially responded to this development, but this story will be updated if and when it does.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.