WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the Oval Office this morning, there was quite a kerfuffle.
“IVANKA! IVANKA! THIS DAMN OLD FILTER IS DOING SOMETHING DUMB,” Trump was heard shouting at his First Lady from inside the room. “I WANTED TO DO THAT DAMN OLD FILTER THING ON MY FACE TO SEE WHAT I’D LOOK LIKE AS AN OLD MAN, AND NOW IT’S BROKEN MY PHONE!”
Reportedly, First Lady Daughter Ivanka swept into the Oval Office, concern in her eyes.
“What’s the matter Diddums? What’s the matter my sweet, sweet man,” Ivanka asked her father. “Something making you have a sad-sad?”
Trump moved his head up and down.
“What is it, Diddums,” Ivanka asked.
The president reached into the Resolute Desk and pulled out a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke. He opened it. In one massive, unending gulp, he sucked the entire contents of the bottle down. He let out a burp.
“I can’t even blame my burps and farts on Huckabee anymore,” Trump lamented. “Anyway, I wanted to do that old filter thing on my face to see what it’ll look like when I’m not the picture of youth, health, and vitality, but something is broken with it because all it showed me was this.”
Mr. Trump handed his phone to his daughter. Ivanka looked at the screen. On it, she could see what looked like dried up, old dog excrement. With a frown, she handed the phone back to the president.
“I’m not a technomologicalistic expert, Diddums,” Ivanka started, “so I don’t know how to fix this. But clearly there is something wrong with this app.”
Ivanka took a selfie and applied the old filter to it. Her eyes bugged out wide. On the screen was a picture of the remains of Eva Braun, when she was found dead of an apparent self-inflicted gun wound in Hitler’s bunker.
“That’s…that can’t…but she…how…,” Ivanka was visibly shaken and confused.
The First Lady Daughter then went into her camera roll and found a picture of her brothers, Eric and Donald Jr. She ran them through the aging filter. Ivanka didn’t like what she saw then, either.
“It just turned Eric and Don Jr. into Uday and Qusay Hussein! What in the actual fuck,” Ivanka asked angrily. “Diddums! This is proof that the big technomilicious companies, are like, super biased against you and stuff, and you should prolly order the people who made this app executed. It’s the Constal-toochin, Diddums! You can do it!”
The White House has said it is currently “considering all options” in addressing the “egregious insult of the aging app” and that public execution is “very much so on the table.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”