Woman Unpopular Enough to Lose Winnable Election to Literal Garbage Says Sanders is Unpopular

SELF-UNAWARE FOREST, NEW YORK — Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton won the 2016 national popular vote by over 3 million. However, in three key states she lost it, and because American presidential elections utilize the Electoral College to give empty farmland a chance to have a voice in its democratic process, she lost the election. Her opponent was one of the least popular men in the history of American politics, and yet she was not popular enough to overcome her lack of campaigning in those key swing states, and she ultimately lost.

Whether or not she won more votes on the aggregate than her opponent, the unavoidable fact remains that Ms. Clinton was deeply unpopular in certain areas, and that unpopularity was enough for her to lose the election. Some could argue that makes Secretary Clinton an expert on popularity, which is perhaps why she decided to comment on one of the current candidates for the Democratic nomination this time around.

“He was in Congress for years. He had one senator support him. Nobody likes him, nobody wants to work with him, he got nothing done,” Clinton says in the film, according to The Hollywood Reporter. “He was a career politician. It’s all just baloney and I feel so bad that people got sucked into it.” (CNN)

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Mr. Sanders was indeed bested by Ms. Clinton for the 2016 Democratic nomination. He was popular enough, however, to win several primaries, and were superdelegates not used by the Democratic National Committee at the time, it’s very possible he could have ultimately defeated her. However, once she had bested him, Sanders campaigned for Clinton, and was at several rallies attempting to convince his supporters to throw their votes behind her. Despite that, it would appear that Clinton still holds deep feelings of resentment and bitter animosity toward Sanders.

Secretary Clinton was spotted this morning coming out of her local 7-Eleven convenience store and asked about her insults to the man who ultimately tried to help her win the last election.

“Yes, I held on in 2008 longer than some people thought I should,” Hillary admitted to the reporters. “Yes, it was a very spirited and lively campaign in 2016, and Bernie won some very important primaries, even in deeply red states that one would assume would be terrified by a socialist, like Kansas. And sure, we’re the Democratic Party which assumes we care about Democracy enough to let the people have their voices heard in a democratic way, but also, IT WAS MY TURN! That has to matter, doesn’t it? Also, someone said something about the Rust Belt. Where is that? No seriously, where? I clearly don’t know.”

Clinton insisted that she was “very grateful” for the support Sanders gave her once he dropped out.

“I just wanted to repay Bernie in my own special way for throwing his support behind my campaign once I beat him last time,” Clinton said.

However, former Secretary Clinton said “it wasn’t good enough” and that Sanders should “have taken a hint.” She would have preferred he either drop out, or tell people on the campaign trail they “should really be voting for” Ms. Clinton.

“All I did was tell the truth about him. No one likes him,” Hillary said, “and if anyone knows about not being liked, it’s me! I’m a damn subject matter expert! Ask anyone, and they’ll tell you how much I know about being unpopular! I doubt very many more people know more about being unpopular than I do. In fact, I bet I’d be president right now if I was a little less an expert on being unpopular, which means everyone should be listening and paying attention to me. PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME.”

Clinton acknowledged that she lost to a candidate that was “insanely beatable.” She admitted that his predecessor, Barack Obama, would have wiped the floor with him. Sure, that means my own popularity is highly suspect, and sure I probably got a good chunk of my 65 million votes from people who wish they could have voted for Bernie instead. But listen to me carefully — he’s a career politician who is deeply unpopular with other career politicians, and therefore I want the voters to think like other career politicians, listen to me, a career politician, and hate him too. That’s all I’m saying. Peace out, fam.”

In response to Clinton’s swipes, Sanders said that his wife likes him “on a good day,” and seemed to leave the subject there.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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