WASHINGTON, D.C. — Generalisimo Donald Trump made his triumphant, glorious return to his White House last night, after spending a few short days at Walter Reed Hospital, undergoing treatment for an infection of COVID-19. The novel coronavirus, which is at the center of a global pandemic that King Trump’s administration hasn’t quite completely snuffed out yet, was defeated thoroughly and completely by Trump in record time, and all he needed was the world’s best and most advanced healthcare, which is available only to him.
Despite looking like he might be gasping for air after climbing the front balcony stairs at the White House, Emperor Trump still had untapped energy reserves, and recorded a heartfelt message for his loyal American subjects. His main takeaway? That Americans shouldn’t “let” the coronavirus “dominate” them.
His Royal Highness’s video is seen below:
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 5, 2020
One fact remains unchanged, no matter how well the president manages to recover from his coronavirus infection — hundreds of thousands of Americans cannot and will not recover. To date, more than 205,000 Americans have died as a result from COVID-19 complications. President Trump was spotted this afternoon out on the White House balcony again. Unmasked, he agreed to shout down answers to reporters’ questions.
“Mr. President, maybe you are recovering from the coronavirus without much difficulty,” a reporter from The New York Times asked, “but what would you say to the families of more than 205,000 Americans who have died from the same virus you’re still shedding, Mr. President?”
Trump rubbed his chin. He seemed genuinely taken aback by the question, and was thinking quite hard about his answer. The effort he was exerting to think caused him to fart so loudly that the reporters heard it all the way down on the ground, below the balcony.
“Well, I guess if you’re going to ask me a question like that,” Trump began, “I really have no other choice but to tell it exactly like it is. Those 205,000 Americans were pussies who let COVID dominate them! I hate to say it, but then again I just said it so I must not hate it that much. So let me reiterate — all those cucks who died from the ‘rona clearly were pussies. BIG OL’ GIANT PUSSIES.”
Another spate of farts issued forth from Trump’s rectum.
“Just think about it. Sure, I’m an Adonis. A literal Greek god, but that wasn’t why I so completely demolished coronavirus,” Trump said. “I just wasn’t a pussy. I didn’t let it dominate me. I did the total opposite of letting it dominate me.”
Still, somewhere, there were more farts inside the president, and as he shouted down to the reporters, they kept billowing out from his sphincter.
“All I had to have was strength. Total strength and courage,” Trump said, “and I beat it! Anyone can do it! All I had was my strength, my courage, experimental treatments no one else can get, and 24/7 rapid response medical treatment, all without having to pay for it. So if I could do that, anyone could it!”
The novel coronavirus pandemic outbreak hit America’s shores in late February. Since then, the U.S. has become the worldwide leader in cases and deaths from the disease. To date, more than 205,000 Americans have died from COVID-19 complications, and current estimates don’t project much of a slowing of the death rate by Election Day.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.