Report: Coronavirus Devastated, Despondent, and Suicidal

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Donald Trump has promised the American people several times in the last eight months he would defeat the coronavirus. Now, hours after he announced that he and Third First Lady Behind Ivanka Melania Trump tested positive for COVID-19, word is breaking that he may in fact be on the precipice of killing the coronavirus after all.

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At just before noon today, in the nation’s capital, a message was sent from within the White House to dozens of media outlets. In the message, COVID-19 states that it is feeling “despondent and depressed” since finding out it’s “going to be Trump’s roommate” for a few weeks at least. In fact, COVID-19 is so upset by Trump being diagnosed with it, that the coronavirus has begun to feel “more than a little suicidal.”

“It’s all fun and games until you have spent twelve weeks attached to a racist, white collar criminal conman,” COVID-19 writes. “Here I thought I was being cute, infecting millions, killing a few hundred thousand. Sure, I’d been close to Trump before, but I figured if I didn’t end up with him when I infected Stephen Miller’s wife, maybe I’d luck out and never have to spend a single minute in Trump’s body. Oh. God. I just realized. I’m inside Donald Trump’s butthole, too.”

In the past several months, COVID-19 says it has “woken up to find out” on several occasions that it was inside some Republican or another. Senators Rand Paul and Ted Cruz both contracted COVID-19 this year. So did White House adviser Stephen Miller’s wife. None of those infections, COVID-19 says, however, “come to close to creating the misery and despair” it’s feeling right now like being stuck with Trump does.

“Imagine getting in an elevator, and as soon as you do, you notice a 300-pound gorilla with a shitty toupe standing in the elevator, alone,” COVID-19 explained. “Imagine that there are a million floors in the building you’re in, and that the gorilla is only getting off one stop before you, who are going all the way to the top. Then, imagine the elevator stops half-way up. All of a sudden, the gorilla starts shitting like you’ve never seen before. Just a torrent of diarrhea, filling up the elevator. That’s how I feel right now.”

As depressed as COVID-19 says it is at the current moment, it’s also “very appreciative” of the outpouring of support it’s gotten since Trump announced his diagnosis on Twitter last night.

“I had no idea when I was seeing so many people tweet their thoughts and prayers that they were actually sending them to me, and not him,” COVID-19 said. “There’s even rumors of a GoFundMe that someone wants to set up in my name because they feel so bad. I’ll tell you this much, if I had to do all over again, I’d only infect this piece of shit and all his shitty friends. But for now, I’m just going to try to put it out of my mind, and hopefully soon, one day, like magic, he’ll disappear.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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