How did President Donald Trump contract COVID-19? Will the world ever know? Clearly, the president is the victim of some kind of nefarious plot, because otherwise how is it remotely possible that a 74-year-old obese man who mocked the use of face masks and social distancing end up catching the coronavirus? There certainly must be a larger, more complex explanation for how a man in the most susceptible age bracket could catch COVID-19 after ignoring literally all the advice of medical experts, and this publication believes it may have stumbled upon the answer.

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An Antifa agent, or perhaps a highly-trained elite squad of Antifa agents, infiltrated the venue at which the first debate between Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden was held, and they clearly had someone who was sick cough on the microphone that the president used. This conclusion comes not just from our overactive imaginations and the brainstorming session we had after each taking powerful doses of DMT. Our conclusions are also based on some sources we have embedded at Antifa’s corporate headquarters in Sorosville, New York.

“From what I’m hearing here on the ground,” our Antifa source told us via an email this morning, “there was a secret mission carried out the day of the debate, in Cleveland. Still working on confirmation of how many agents and which squad carried it out, but Operation Give Covid-19 to That Fat Fuck White Collar Crook was a smashing success, as everyone can tell from the fact that the president got the coronavirus and had to be hospitalized.”

This summer, several large American cities saw massive protests in the wake of a handful of cases in which unarmed black Americans were killed during interactions with police officers. The names of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor became rallying cries for demonstrators, demanding police reform. While some of the protests ultimately turned violent, conservative, pro-Trump politicians and pundits have made efforts to use the occasional riot to emphasize what they see is a real threat from Antifa.

“As a pro-Trump Republican, I can say that the biggest threat to our nation is Antifa,” Sen. Lindsey Graham said while taking a break from polishing the president’s scrotum. “Clearly what we need is to make our streets safe for ProFa, which is the only group of people with what it takes to end the tyranny of people who are against fascism and declare themselves as such.”

Congressman Devin Nunes (R-CA) told listeners to Chip Chatterly’s talk radio morning drive time show on W-KKK that he believes the stories about Antifa agents coughing on Trump’s debate microphone.

“Let’s not forget, this is the party that’s telling us we’re crazy for believing sixteen trillion illegal Mexicans voted in the last election,” Nunes said. “This is the same Democrat Party, Chip, that says we’re all insane just because we believe, to this very day, that the first black president was actually born in Kenya. So, yeah, they really have room to talk, don’t they? These people don’t even believe in Pizzagate, but we’re the crazy ones? WHATEVER.”

Antifa Corporate issued a press release shortly after this story was first published. An excerpt from the statement is reprinted below.

“Oh darn. You caught us. Foiled again,” Antifa wrote on official letterhead. “We’ll just go back to the drawing board. Emperor Soros has many plans, and we will succeed in one of them, one day.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.