To Sidestep Having His Mic Cut, Trump Plans to Share Biden’s Podium

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump absolutely loves to interrupt and talk over his debate opponents. He did it to Hillary Clinton consistently in their matchups, and he did so in the first debate with former Vice President Joe Biden earlier this month. Trump interrupted and shouted over Biden so much in the first debate that the presidential debate commission decided that his and Biden’s mics would be muted while the other spoke during the upcoming debate, scheduled to take place tomorrow night. Perhaps unsurprisingly, President Trump reportedly was not happy at all with that change.

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However, the Trump campaign told reporters today that the president has come up with a workaround for the mic muting.

“President Trump will simply share Vice President Biden’s podium with him,” Deputy Assistant Spokesperson Joseph Gurbilz told reporters this morning. “The president is quite adept at forcing himself where people don’t want him. He’ll grab Biden by the microphone and not let go until he wins the debate. Which he would do anyway, of course, because he is perfect and never loses and I am definitely not just saying that because I’m afraid of him bullying me if I don’t.”

The debates this time around have proven to be a little more challenging for the president. Contracting the coronavirus eventually meant that President Trump was forced to do a competing townhall on NBC while Biden did one on ABC instead of the scheduled townhall they had with each other. Earlier this week we reported that Trump is uneasy about tomorrow night’s debate because he’s convinced NBC reporter Kristen Welker will ask him questions about his actual record, and not his fictitious one.

“I want to add some categories to talk about myself. It’s my right. It’s my royal right as president to demand to only speak about the things I want to speak about,” Trump asserted. “So we sent the debate commission a strongly worded letter, very powerfully demanding that they add the following subjects: Sleepy Joe and His Drug Use, Presidential Incest, and Properly Sucking Up to Dictators.” (PGC)

Though his mic will be sometimes be muted, Trump believes he’ll be able to taunt and troll Biden during the debate anyway.

“President Trump is literally the smartest president named Donald Trump of all time. He’ll figure out a way to remind voters that they shouldn’t vote for Hunter Biden’s laptop,” Gurbilz said. “That is who he’s up against this time around, right? That’s why we keep trying to make Hunter Biden’s laptop a thing? No? He’s facing JOE Biden, not Hunter or his laptop? Oh fuck. I quite.”

Gurbilz ran off into the nearby hills, and this publication has not been able to contact him since.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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