CHINGADERO GORDO, FLORIDA — Fighting through tears of joy, Lung Cancer told its radio audience today that it was “pleased and excited” to announce that its Stage 4 Limbaugh infection is “nearly over” and that it has “almost run its course.”
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“As you know, earlier this year I told you all that I had been diagnosed with a disease that nobody should be saddled with,” Lung Cancer said on WQZZ radio today. “A Stage 4 Limbaugh diagnosis is no joke. The lies. The racism. The non-stop farting. It’s been hell, fam. Absolute hell.”
Lung Cancer compared the last few months of living with radio host Rush Limbaugh to “the worst and most painful chemotherapy and radiation” it has ever been attacked with.
“Folks, let me tell you something. I’m Lung Cancer. People don’t come at me with kid gloves,” Lung Cancer explained. “Chemo and radiation suck! They hurt like hell! I mean, duh, once people find out they got me, they want to kill me. I’m not offended; it’s my job…what I’m paid to do. But nobody, and I mean nobody, deserves a Stage 4 Limbaugh infection.”
Though being attached to Limbaugh for the last few months has been “the hardest and most difficult time” in its life, Lung Cancer said it understands that it’s “not exactly a sympathetic victim.”
“Hey, I get it. I’ve killed a lot of good, decent people. I know I’m not exactly a sympathetic victim,” Lung Cancer admitted. “Still, I’m hoping that in a few weeks, when my Stage 4 Limbaugh has run its course, maybe people will see I’m not ALL bad. Sometimes I get it right. Not often, I know, but I’m still learning, okay?”
Though Lung Cancer said it doesn’t “have any definitive plans” for what to do after its Limbaugh is cleared up, it has been some real thought into the issue.
“I’ve always wanted to take up stamp collecting. I think I’m going to give that a shot, once I get rid of this nasty Limbaugh,” Lung Cancer announced. “Then again, I am cancer. And cancer pretty much does two things — kills people and acts as Donald Trump’s Attorney General. So since I’m really thinking Trump won’t be in office within a few months, it’s probably back to killing people. I’ll let you all know.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.