DAYTONA BEACH, FLORIDA — Not everyone in attendance at the Daytona 500 this past weekend were supporters of his, but when a wealthy, coastal elite landed his big, taxpayer funded jet after buzzing the Daytona Speedway, the ones that were there watching let out quite an excited roar. Though the race was rained out and had to be run Monday morning instead, the excitement and buzz in the air among supporters of the alleged billionaire was quite palpable.
“I tell you what, I tell you right now, this was the most electric crowd I’ve been in,” one man in a red hat told reporters as he and his friends came out of the stadium, “and I’ve been to Trump and klan rallies! On a side note, I think it speaks volumes about that man’s humility, that he’d combine his rallies with klan rallies like that. It lets more of his base see him and also take part in their local community activities. Talk about keeping America great, and on the white track!”
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The coastal elite real estate barron in chief stood on the track, gave the ceremonial order for the drivers to start their engines, and even did a few laps on the speedway in his presidential vehicle. The people in the crowd who happened to vote for and support this self-serving city slicker let out loud, boisterous cheers each time he participated in more of the pre-race festivities. President Donald Trump was certainly not the first president to attend a NASCAR race, but if you talked to any of his loyal devotees at the race that day, he might as well have been.
“This is the first time a real president has attended. When Dubya came, sure, we gave him the cheers, and it was excitin’ as hell,” Jethro Bohiggins, who was at the race this weekend told us via Skype, “but Trump is OUR president. I mean, he’s YOUR president too, as we are very fond of repeating both at our cult meetings and on Internet comment sections. But this time it was as if Jeff Davis or, dare I say, Robert E. Lee was at that race! It was such a win for our culture, to see President Trump pandering to it for votes like that!”
Bohiggins admits that he hasn’t ever known Trump to be “that much a fan of NASCAR” in the past. He also said he’s never heard Trump mention country music. Jethro even said he knows that Trump doesn’t drink anything with alcohol in it, let alone the cheap, domestic lager that flows in abundance at NASCAR events. But none of that matters to Bohiggins or the thousands of MAGA fans at the Daytona 500 this weekend, because Trump “played on [their] feelings” and really made them believe he might be a fan of the sport.
“How do we know he wasn’t a race fan before? Makes sense to me that a racist would take such a bigly interest in races,” Bohiggins supposed aloud. “I guess this big city billionaire could be just using our love of NASCAR to make himself look better. He could be pulling a sneaky politician trick on a bunch of willing rubes, but that sounds like a conspiracy theory to me, and I’m sorry, but I like to live in reality, libtards! That reminds me, before we end this interview, I should tell you about what Q said we should expect to happen any day now when they arrest Hillary for being a lizard queen assassin with a body count in the literal trillions!”
Bohiggins batted away questions about Trump’s authentic passion for NASCAR by pointing to something he says is “irrefutable fact.”
“He may not have grown up in the heartland, but I know he’s a son of the Confederacy. His pappy was a card carrying member of the Klan,” Bohiggins explained, “and look at his diet! He’s a good ol’ boy if ever there was one. Big Macs, KFC, you name it, and this man eats the fast food of freedom like all the rest of us. If that don’t make him a true redneck, ain’t nothin’ gonna!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.