If there is one thing that everyone in America — every man, woman, child, pet, and household pest — agrees to, it’s that Senator Bernie Sanders is a whackadoo crazy man with weird hair who should probably be arrested for being a whackadoo crazy man with weird hair instead of being a) a sitting U.S. Senator and b) running for, let alone even remotely having a chance in hell of winning, the presidency next year.
We all know Sanders is crazy because for starters the media does its dutiful job to tell us he is, and because of the “crazy ass shit” he believes like:
- Rich people are doing okay enough
- You shouldn’t have to work four jobs to get out of poverty
- Women should make as much as men
- We shouldn’t let our politicians be bribed legally
- Profit margins shouldn’t keep people from seeing a doctor
- College shouldn’t cost each student approximately $1.2 Trillion
- Mexicans aren’t all evil
- Muslims aren’t all evil
- Gays aren’t all evil
But we here at The Political Garbage Chute are always looking to go deeper than everyone else goes. So in order to go really, really deep, we spoke to three professional political pundits and cable news contributors, and here’s what they think Bernie Sanders’ chances are.
Burt Conway (Fox News) — Bernie Sanders is an unmitigated, devout, unrepentant, dyed-in-the-wool socialist. Unlike Obama, Sanders doesn’t even try to hide is totally extremist positions. I mean, who in their right mind actually thinks that people so rich that their great-great-great-great-great grandchildren literally could not possibly spend their entire fortunes don’t need special protection? Who in their right mind actually thinks we shouldn’t saddle college students with millions of dollars in debt to keep account servicers’ wallets bloated? He’d be terrible for this country.
But we’re not scared of him. No way. Nope. There’s no way he could win. I mean, what kind of crazy, wild-eyed fool thinks we should make it easier for poor people to get out of poverty than we make it for rich people to buy off politicians? We’re totally not afraid of him rocking the establishment with his populist, common sense policy ideas. And we certainly won’t be harping on the idea that he’s crazy and not electable. Nope, not at all.
Oh, and before I forget: What did Bernie Sanders know about Benghazi?
Sharon Kapanek (MSNBC) — I think what’s most important about Bernie Sanders is Hillary Clinton. What does Hillary think of Bernie? Does Hillary think Bernie has a shot to win? If Hillary thinks he has a shot to win, will she buy him a coke? If she buys him a coke will drink it? If he drinks it, will he burp? If he burps will it smell? If it smells, will it smell like socialism? If it smells like socialism is he too crazy and out-there to be elected? If he’s too crazy and out-there to be elected, will Hillary let him keep running in her election that she has been fated, pre-destined even to win, being the most qualified person to takeover the familial dynasty role of president that the Constitution so clearly lays out in its often skipped-over appendix?
Basically, we all care about Bernie Sanders insofar as to how he pertains to Hillary.
Leonard Bastille (CNN) — We wanted to take our coverage one step further, so we took one of our reporters, miniaturized him, and injected him into Bernie’s bloodstream. We call it “Inner Space” reporting, you know, after that Martin Short-Dennis Quaid-Meg Ryan vehicle? And then we had our reporter map out a digital model of Sanders’ colon. We’ve literally gone up Bernie Sanders’ asshole to bring you the information about him you really didn’t want or need. If you’ll turn your attention over here now, you’ll see the completely photo-realistic, three-dimensional mock-up of Bernie’s insides, as well as a computer generated model of what Bernie would look like as a 32-year old lesbian carpenter from Montana, just to show you how hard we hit the stories. Now, if you’ll excuse me, we’re about to do a remote from the field where Bernie Sanders once pulled over to piss as a 25-year-old man.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.