Bloomberg Will Pay You $10,000 to Stop Thinking He’s Trying to Buy The Presidency

LOST WAGES, NEVADA — At a campaign stop ahead of the Nevada primary, former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg told diners at a restaurant frequented by the town’s locals that he would give them — and anyone else in America — $10,000 if they agree to stop thinking or believing that he’s trying to buy his way into the presidency.

“Hey, how ya doin’ folks? It’s me, Regular Joe Blow American Guy, Billionaire Mike Bloomberg,” the former Republican vying for the Democratic nomination told a family as he approached their table. “Whatchya havin? Some kind of french fried pancake waffle thing with a side of bacon sausage, like all we real, true blue, average normal Americans enjoy in the morning?”

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The family didn’t respond; they didn’t know how to.

“Hey, I got an offer for ya, hope you’ll hear me out, ready? Here goes,” Bloomberg announced. “I will give you, each and every one of you, ten thousand dollars. Doesn’t that sound like a great deal? I hand you each ten thousand bucks, cash. Right here, and right now. How’s that sound?”

Still, the family just kept eating. The teenage daughter of the family looked at Bloomberg. She told her father that an extra $40,000 would be nice for the family. So, they all put their forks down and listened to what the rest of Bloomberg’s pitch.

“I want to give you, and every single one of you in here ten thousand dollars, cash, right here and right now,” Bloomberg explained. “In fact, I’ll give everyone here in this state that money. I will give every single, solitary American ten grand. Ten large. Ten big ol’ Beanie Babies, or whatever name for money we average Americans use these days.”

The mention of everyone getting ten thousand dollars seemed to grab everyone’s attention in the diner. People started turning around in their seats. Bloomberg could sense he was speaking to a receptive audience.

“And the best thing about this offer? No strings,” Bloomberg said. “A lot of people would expect something in return for their ten thousand buckarinis. Not me, though. I’m not gonna ask for a single thing in return. All I’m gonna do is ask for a small favor in return, at some point down the line, say, by the Democratic National Convention this summer.”

This was it. Bloomberg could sense his momentum building. He had them on the line, and all he had to do was set his hook and reel the whole restaurant in. Here went nothing.

“The favor I’m gonna ask is, and remember you’re all gonna walk outta here with ten thousand dollaronies, okay,” Bloomberg reminded everyone. “All I’m gonna ask is that you stop thinking I’m trying to buy the presidency, okay? Sure I’m a billionaire. Sure I’m a billionaire who was a Republican less than 15 years ago, and sure I have an insane amount of money to spend on ads and campaign staff, but I’m not trying to buy the presidency, and you taking my ten thousand dollars from me is just a way for us to wrap all that talk about me trying to buy the presidency for myself up in a nice, neat little package, and put a bow made of gold and platinum on it.”

Response to Bloomberg’s offer was met mostly with groans. The diners shifted their attention away from him, and back to their meals. Sensing he’d lost them, Bloomberg left the restaurant and got in his supersonic stealth helicopter that he bought from Batman, headed to the next campaign stop.

“I mean, it was a nice offer, but I don’t think we should be taking money from people running for office, no matter what they say about it,” Cal Calvinson, one of the locals dining when Bloomberg made his pitch told reporters after the billionaire candidate had left. “Still, I mean…if he’s running against Trump in November, I’ll still probably vote for him. Because Trump is Trump. Shit. Maybe I should’ve taken his money after all.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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