Trump’s CPAC 2021 Speech Was So Full of Shit, He Had to Write it in an Outhouse

This weekend, former, one-term, twice-permanently impeached President Donald J. Trump retreated to a place of familiar comfort, a safe space for his ego. In a meandering speech, Trump addressed the Conservative Political Action Committee — CPAC — once more. During his singular presidential term, Trump delivered a speech at the convention, except last year when the Democrat hoax that killed over 400,000 Americans under his watch kept people from gathering en masse.

While not much new was said in Trump’s speech — it was his usual laundry list of angry invective aimed at anyone who has criticized him or tried to hold him accountable for his words and actions — his speech was still quite noteworthy. That’s because it was so completely full of shit that Trump had to write it while in an outhouse. According to Trump adviser Stephen Miller, who helped Trump craft his CPAC 2021 speech, he had to meet with the former president in a special, secure location on the grounds of Mar-A-Lago, Trump’s luxury resort.

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“Maria, I can’t get into exactly what King God Emperor Trump and I discussed,” Miller told Fox News host Maria Fartinromo this morning. “What I can tell you is that we knew we were putting so much unequivocal bullshit in the speech, we’d need to write it in a place built to store and handle all that shit. So, we chose an outhouse on the Mar-A-Lago property and I think both the president and I were quite thrilled with how the speech came out.”

Miller said that the smell in the outhouse made both of them quite fond for their time in the White House.

“Any time I get a whiff of a KFC fart, or a Big Mac dump, I immediately think of our best president ever,” Miller said with love in his voice. “You can imagine how much shit we flung around the Oval Office. So the outhouse definitely had me thinking fondly about all those racist jokes we shared during late night brainstorming sessions.”

Trump’s speech was so full of disinformation that Fox News felt compelled to put a disclaimer at the bottom of the screen while covering it, effectively warning everyone that Trump was lying.

“I saw that disrespectful chyron that your bosses ran during the speech, Maria, and I must say, they will face consequences on August 13th when he is restored to the throne,” Miller warned. “They should have known better, and they will face his wrath sooner than later.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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