FART-A-LOT-GO, FLORIDA — Out in the nation’s Hanging Dong State, a tubby, elderly, sundowning, most assuredly senile white collar crook and dangerous, lying sociopath is still at it. He’s still lying about losing the presidential election last year, and it appears this particular sociopath doesn’t feel any shame about continuing to do so, probably until the end of his life on Earth.
The ass-face in question continued his lifelong streak of luck mixed with failing upwards in 2016, and pulled out an electoral unicorn of a victory. He was the least popularly elected president of all time, losing the aggregate vote count by a historic margin, which was only topped when he turned around and lost last year’s election by an even wider margin. The only reason the country was infected with his particular brand of executive herpes was the Electoral College’s ability to hand a participation trophy to someone who would have been declared the loser in literally any other election.
However, unlike literally every single person who has ever lost a presidential election, this porcine sack of shit has spent literally every waking moment denying reality. He has insisted, without offering anything in the ballpark of evidence to back his claims up, that he won and didn’t lose. He protested and threw public tantrums. His whining and complaining got so loud and so over the top it convinced millions of his most slack-jawed of followers that he was telling the truth, that their rightful god king emperor had been unfairly usurped.
The deadly insurrection on January 6th was this pile of dog shit’s fault. He convinced an angry mob that they had some power to stop a process that had already been carried out and certified in each of the fifty states. None of them, apparently, stopped to ask why this twice-permanently impeached president would contest results in only the states he lost, as if the vast conspiracy they were accusing Democrats of perpetrating was concentrated on a handful of states they just knew the election would hang on.
Now, it has been nearly six full months since the lying sociopath was kicked out of office. It has been more than half a year since he lost the election. While even the most stubborn of douchebags might have decided it was best to move on and move forward, even if they felt wronged, this alleged billionaire has done nothing of the sort.
He’s still telling people his vice president — who his lunatic, deranged followers wanted to hang on January 6th — could have kept him in power. He’s still sending out fundraising emails asking marks for money so he can continue fighting the election results. He’s even telling people that he can be magically restored to power in August. He cannot.
All hope is not lost, though, according to Dr. Skip Malloy, of the National Institute for Old Guy Health Stuff. Dr. Malloy says that there might be a silver lining for people who are desperate to be rid of this noxious carbuncle on the ass cheeks of America.
“So, on his last birthday, this pudgy dick whistle turned 75. There are about four years left to go until the next election,” Dr. Malloy told us. “The average lifespan of an American male? 78.5 years old. Time is actually on our side here, but we still gotta catch lightning in a bottle and hope he chokes on a McNugget or all the hamberders finally catch up to him.”
Malloy suggested that his death might be the only way to get him to stop lying.
“If you’re not breathing, you’re not lying,” Malloy said. “But that piece of shit would probably find a way to come back as a ghost and haunt his followers’ dreams, whispering about Dominion voting machines in their ears as they sleep.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.