Trump Demands Every Vote Cast For Him Is Counted ‘At Least Once’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With just over a week to go until Election Day, President Donald Trump is demanding that state election boards ensure votes cast for him are counted “as many times as they need to be” once polls close next Tuesday.

“What I think we’re all worried about,” Trump told Fox & Friends this morning, “is if they get done counting the votes the first time, and I’m not ahead. We all know that I’m entitled to win, but I am becoming more and more afraid that the people who run the elections — Never Trumpers a lot of them — will only count our votes the one time, even if it looks like I’m going to lose.”

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In a strongly worded letter sent to all 50 state attorneys general, the White House warned that “any attempts to keep the president’s voters voices being heard over and over again” will be met with litigation.

“To whom it may concern,” the letter opens, “it has come to the attention of President Trump’s White House that you intend to hold an election next week in which people can cast their ballots for president, which we’ve repeatedly warned you all would be taken as an electoral coup attempt by this administration. Unfortunately, after we had our lawyers look into it, we found out the cucks who wrote the Constitution must have been Never Trumpers, because you do actually have a so-called right to hold these alleged elections.”

While the Trump administration acknowledged that states are allowed to hold elections next week, they issued a grave warning to them that they “better be willing to keep counting Trump votes until they add up to victory.”

“We all know that any vote counts that show President Trump lost are fake news and very likely illegal,” the letter states. “However, to avoid any unpleasantness, if you simply agree to count votes for the president at least once, and as many times as needed, we can consider this matter cleaned up quite tidily.”

Trump’s ardent supporters in Congress came out in support of his demands that votes for him count more than once if needs be. Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Penile Folds) told reporters that he thinks every Republican running for election this year should adopt a similar tone and attitude toward vote counting. Graham was interviewed by W-KKK AM’s Chip Chatterly this morning and told the conservative talk radio host that he too will insist on having votes cast in his tough re-election race in South Carolina more than once, as long as they were votes for him.

“This is, I think, another example of his stable genius. What other president before would have had the courage to suggest having votes cast for him counted more than votes against him,” Graham asked Chatterly today. “Chip, I have to tell you, I’m gonna send a letter to my state’s attorney general and demand they enforce the same kind of thing in my race. It’s quite frankly the only fair way to make sure I win no matter what.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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