The results of a newly conducted and released poll seem to indicate that nearly eight out of every ten Americans are hoping that North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-un and American Wannabe Dictator and Confirmed Dick-Tater Donald J. Trump share at least one thing — a cardiologist.
While the world awaits confirmation of whether or not a reported heart surgery’s complications did in fact do in the North Korean leader, polling company We Poll You So Hard conducted another one of their insightful, award-winning public opinion polls. Surveying a thousand voters in all 50 states, We Poll You asked their respondents a series of questions to learn their interest in Kim Jong-un’s health status, and any related issues. What the pollsters found was that an astounding 75% of those they asked said they were “extremely hopeful” that President Trump sees the same cardiologist that Kim Jong-un uses.
Carol Carolla, We Poll You’s deputy junior media contact, discussed the new poll’s results on MSNBC this morning.
“In a country that finds it difficult to find much common ground on any number of things,” Carolla said, “it is definitely noteworthy that so many Americans agree on anything, much less anything politically-charged. But, the results of this poll seem pretty conclusive. Most Americans are desperately hoping that Trump and his buddy Kim Jong-un shared a heart doctor.”
It’s being reported in some outlets that a botched heart surgery could be why the North Korean despot is in a “vegetative” state. According to Carolla, by roughly the same margins, respondents to the poll said they’d be okay with Trump ending up in the same condition, with or without Kim Jong-un’s cardiologist on retainer. Carolla theorizes that most people know how much Trump values his relationship with Kim Jong-un, due what she called “their very obvious and publicly flirtatious behavior” toward one another.
“A lot of folks think there’s so much that those two have in common, it would only make sense that they share a heart doctor,” Carolla explained. “Some just presumed that there’s a specialized medical field for portly, unctuous twatwaffle tyrants, and ergo they must both see the same doctors.”
As with every poll they conduct, We Poll You So Hard gave respondents to this poll the chance to leave a free form comment without any guidance from the poll takers. Carolla says the answers were “quite fascinating.”
“We like to give people who take our polls the opportunity to give us commentary, unprompted, when they’re done,” Carolla said. “Almost everyone who told us they hope Trump and Kim Jong-un share a cardiologist told us they’ve recognized how special their relationship is to the president, and just assumed that like all good friends they share doctor recommendations.”
Upon hearing about the poll, President Trump reportedly flew into rage. Trump called Carolla personally and demanded to know We Poll You So Hard didn’t remind respondents that he won the Electoral College in 2016, or why they weren’t made aware of the fact that he was acquitted by the Senate in his impeachment trial. Ms. Carolla said while she was “taken aback” at first by getting a call from the President of the United States, she realized pretty quickly she was also speaking to a D-list reality-TV game show host with a really shitty spray tan, and get her wits about her to respond to the president’s demands as politely and respectfully as he deserves.
“I laughed at him,” Carolla said. “I laughed at him for about thirty seconds. Then, I felt a fart coming on. So I put the phone up to my asshole and farted at the president. Believe it or not, that’s when Stephen Miller got on the phone and started talking in fartese, or fartalk as some call it, back at my asshole. He and my poop chute had about a five minute conversation, but I’m not exactly sure what they talked about.”
The White Power House could not be reached for comment.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.