Trump Offers to Loan Army’s Bomb Sniffing Dogs to California

WASHINGTON, D.C. — If California wants them, President Donald Trump says they can have use of the Army’s bomb-sniffing dogs to help them “control or reduce their forest fires,” he said.

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Speaking to reporters at a Republican strategy session and luncheon, President Trump announced to the room that he’d been “bigy kind and hugely generous” to California’s Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) and offered to give the Golden State free use of the bomb sniffing dogs the U.S. Army deploys to battle zones to help soldiers ferret out improvised and standard explosives. Trump told reporters yesterday that when trees get too dry and brittle they become explosive, and he said that today’s offer is a “follow-up” on that very issue.

“As you all know, trees are one of the most explosive substances on Earth,” Trump told reporters after the day’s meeting concluded. “I’ve been told by many people they’re so explosive that our great military, that I personally rebuilt with my own, bare, small hands remember, used to load their cannons and big ship guns with trees, and not mortar shells or any other kind of projectile.”

Over the course of his presidential term, Trump has watched as more than one devastating, deadly fire season swept through California. This year is particularly bad because the fires seem to stretch through the entirety of America’s west coast, from Washington to Southern California. In the past, Trump has framed California’s forest fire situation as one of poor forestation management. However, his critics are quick to point out that the majority of California’s forests are federal lands, and that the “raking” Trump keeps suggesting wouldn’t have as great an impact due to the severity of conditions thanks in no small part to the effects of climate change.

“I don’t think so-called scientists are the experts we should be listening to regardless,” Trump kept rambling on today, “but the way I see it, climate change or not, we gotta give California the tools it needs to figure out which trees are bomb trees, and which trees aren’t. I say we let the army help, but that’s going to be up to Governor Newsom. For some reason I can’t just do whatever I want, even though I should be allowed to and pretty much everyone agrees.”

Thus far, Newsom has not indicated whether he would accept Trump’s offer of bomb-sniffing army dogs.

“We haven’t looked at that particular proposal just yet,” Newsom explained at his daily press conference this afternoon. “You’d think being the fifth largest economy in the world, and that accounts for 14% of the federal tax revenue would get a little more respect than that, but maybe California just needs to make sure our own costs are fully covered before sending anything to Washington, and that way we won’t be so much a burden when we need help when our state becomes one large conflagration.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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