His friends and family, and even close political advisers, all warned him against doing it. He was told how risky it was, and how it would be next to impossible to achieve for a full calendar year, but outgoing President Donald Trump wasn’t having any such discussion. Without hesitation, Trump made his usual New Year Resolution — one year he simply wrote down “fucking your mom” — and told everyone about it in a video now deleted from his Twitter account.
“It is with some deep regret that we inform the American public of President Donald Trump’s alternative success in keeping his one New Year resolution,” a White House press release states. “This year, President Trump simply resolved to not be a fucking moron. Sadly, as of less than a week into 2021, though, the president has alternatively succeeded in alternatively not breaking his resolution.”
According to the press release, Trump’s phone call to Georgia election officials, attempting to bribe, coerce, and force them into certifying him as the winner of their Electoral College votes and note Joe Biden, he broke his resolution.
“It is pretty fucking moronic to make that phone call. It’s pretty fucking moronic to make it knowing full-well it’d be recorded and leaked,” the press release admits. “The president realizes now that he made a tactical alternatively good decision, and would like to take this opportunity to apologize to his glorious MAGAs for sticking by him, even as he made this alternatively sound decision. That being said, the phone call broke the president’s resolution to not be a fucking moron this year.”
On the Hill, Trump won praise from his usual gang of supporters for breaking his resolution.
“I think it shows great courage. I think it shows the American people how important it is to be flexible about your follow-through,” Congressman Matt Gaetz of Florida told reporters. “Who else other than this great man would have the strength and foresight to show the American people you can be a fucking moron in this great country and still become the president.”
Sen. Ted Cruz promised to have a comment on this development as soon as he got enough of Trump’s penis out of his mouth to speak clearly enough to be understood.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.