Biden Suggests Injecting Bleach Into Mop Buckets

DELAWARE — When he said it, the entire room took notice.

“Call me crazy, but I think if you’re looking to get things really clean when you’re doing your mopping, Bub,” President-elect Joe Biden told a reporter today, “you might think about injecting a little bleach into your mop bucket. You gotta be careful with that stuff, though, Jack, so remember a little bit goes a long way.”

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It’s been nearly four years since America had a president that was interested in saying things that most people would say, thinking things most people would say, and doing things most people would do. Hearing Biden suggest that someone use a little bit of common, household bleach to increase the cleaning power of the water in their mop bucket seemed to take the reporter by surprise. Was President-elect Biden really just suggesting some practical ways to make cleaning your kitchen floors easier, and without even mentioning a personal political grievance a single time?

“I know what the last four years have looked like, Sport,” Biden admitted. “So I understand your confusion. But rest assured, I will continue to display common sense and intellect, and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it. Now, look, I do want to be president to all Americans, even if they didn’t vote for me, so I am willing to, from time to time, just shout inane things or to tweet an attack on a reporter every few months, to make our Republican friends feel comfortable, but I am not going to apologize for suggesting you can use bleach to clean your floors, not now, and not ever, Buster!”

Before heading back home for the day, Biden intimated that he may make a few more proclamations and suggestions to the American people as his inauguration day approaches.

“Who knows? I might tell you to look both ways before crossing the street,” Biden said, “or I may tell you that you can’t just put a fork in a light socket because you’re wearing a MAGA hat. I don’t know yet; but we’ve got a team working on those kinds of things, Mister, and I think they’re going to do a really killer job.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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