There are very few people in Corporate America who love outgoing, one-term, permanently impeached, lame duck President Donald Trump more than the MyPillow Guy. The CEO of MyPillow is often seen on Fox News, Newsmax, and OANN touting Trump administration accomplishments and talking points, and has been featured at the Republican National Convention as well as various other White House events. Indeed, when it comes to loving, defending, and supporting President Trump, there are few with as large a platform who are quite so vocal about it.
But the MyPillow Guy doesn’t just support throwing out millions of legally cast ballots to install Trump for a second term anyway, he also makes a solem, firm commitment to every MyPillow customer.
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“I lovingly caress, fondle, and fuck every single individual MyPillow before it reaches our customers,” the MyPillow Guy proudly told investors today on a conference call. “I’ve been doinking the merchandise from this company’s inception, and that is never changing! Not on my watch! People who have been with this company from the beginning remember when it was called MyFuckingPillow and that our commercials were X-rated but highly effective.”
The MyPillow Guy regaled investors with tales of how he came up with the idea for a pillow he could fuck, but that he could also not fuck when he wanted to just lay his head on a “jizzy sponge.”
“One thing led to another, and before ya knew, it, BOOM! Here comes MyFuckingPillow,” the MyPillow Guy bellowed. “It was quite a time to be alive, let me tell you that much right now.”
It’s unclear at this time why the MyPillow Guy started talking about his company’s origins this morning. Nobody had asked him about it, and most of the investors would later tell media outlets over the years they’ve learned to specifically not ask him about it, unless they want a three hour story about him fucking various pillows. At any rate, the MyPillow Guy assured investors every single MyPillow that leaves the factory is “first lovingly boned” by him.
“Over the years, I’ve placed my penis on and inside so many MyPillows I’ve lost count,” the MyPillow Guy explained, “but that doesn’t mean I have any intention of quitting. Only my penis knows it feels like when we get it just right, and that’s why every MyPillow that comes off the production line is rushed to my office so I can fuck it. Each and every time.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.