WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump has issued an official order to the justice department, demanding that Attorney General William Barr indict actor Brad Pitt for treason, following the 2020 Academy Awards. Mr. Pitt won the Oscar for Best Support Actor and used the opportunity his acceptance speech gave him to rib Senate Republicans about not allowing additional witnesses and testimony in Trump’s impeachment trial, which concluded with an expected acquittal last week. Pitt mocked Republicans for not allowing former National Security Adviser John Bolton to testify, despite saying he was willing to, if subpoenaed.
“They told me that I only had 45 seconds up here, which is 45 seconds more than the Senate gave John Bolton this week,” Pitt said, before urging director Quentin Tarantino to make a film on the impeachment saga. “I’m thinking maybe Quentin does a movie about it, and in the end the adults do the right thing.” (MSN)
An outraged President Trump announced to the press as he paced on the White House lawn that he had consulted with his legal advisers and AG Barr and determined he has the “absolute right” to cancel the First Amendment. Citing his acquittal on charges of abuse of power, Trump declared that “obviously, presidents can’t abuse their powers” and that even though the Constitution’s Bill of Rights have been long considered sacred and untouchable, it was now necessary to “force some changes for the greater good.” The first order of business is to suspend the First Amendment and require all citizens to submit their criticisms of the president to the White House, where they will either be approved for publication, or the author will be arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay. Mr. Pitt will be the first test subject for this new legal paradigm.
“He was very, bigly rude to me. He may not have mentioned me by name,” Trump shouted over the roar of a helicopter preparing to take him to Denny’s for a grand slam breakfast, “but we all knew he was making fun of me. We all knew he was mocking my very legal and very cool TOTAL EXONERATION last week. I was just talking to my good friend OJ Simpson, and he and I were saying how great it feels to get away with it — er I mean — be totally and completely exonerated by a jury. Brad Pitbull or whatever his name is has besmirched my innocence and for that he must pay a stiff penalty.”
Trump announced that he had just signed an order in the Oval Office, using his official presidential crayons, and that Pitt should be apprehended by the end of the day. The Once Upon a Time in Hollywood star will then stand trial in the same Senate that just voted to acquit Trump. While Trump admits none of what’s about to transpire is in the Constitution, he says it “doesn’t matter” and that last week it was “proven” that he can and should do whatever he wants because he has “an Article II.”
“I mean, seriously, what are those cucks Graham and Cruz gonna do about it, anyway? Besides suck me off in public for having the courage to shred precedents and own the libs,” Trump asked mockingly. “We proved last week the Constitution is just a suggestion.”
Sen. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) told reporters after finding out about Trump’s order that he was “dismayed” by it, but that “ultimately, as long as the president is a Republican,” he’ll support literally anything the does.
“Anyone who watched how I behaved and ran the Senate under President Barack ‘Black Democrat’ Obama knows I just simply hate partisanship. I hate it so much, in fact,” McConnell said, “that it’s all I can think about. It’s almost all I can ever do, is super-partisan stuff, because of how much I hate it. Does that make sense? Of course not. But it doesn’t have to. Fox News won’t air this, and I’ll just act like I never said it, thereby keeping millions of suckers — excuse me! It’ll keep millions of good, clean, ammo hoarding patriots, in the dark. Suck it, libs!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.