WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources are reporting that late last night, Congressman Devin Nunes delivered via Bovine Express — a service that courriers mail via cows — a letter to President Donald J. Trump. While the full contents of the letter have not been fully publicized, the overall gist of the missive has been. In his letter, Nunes offers multiple assurances to President Trump that he will not stop giving Trump blowjobs, even though the impeachment process has come to a close.
“Mr. President,” Nunes writes in a passage of his letter that has leaked to various news outlets, “I wanted to write to you this evening to offer you my undying loyalty, once more. I know that now that you have vanquished the Democrats in their unlawful, fully-Constitutionally mandated coup attempt via impeachment powers that are literally in our founding documents, that you may worry which — if any — of your most devoted sycophantic, cultist lapdogs will stop fellating your enormous phallus. I want to assure you, that will never be me. I will always, now and forever, suck that Trump dick.”
Permanently Impeached Fat Fuck Sucks Own Dick, Rambles, Whines About Constitution For Room Full Of Sycophantic Cultists
Nunes tells Trump in his letter that he has a “deep abiding belief in the MAGA, America first agenda,” and that his beliefs are so strong he’s willing to work with other countries to subvert our elections, “because libtards are gross.”
“Sir, America First is something I believe in so much, I know it really means to be willing to sell America out, first,” Nunes writes, “before anyone else. I understand that my loyalties lie first with you, then with my party, and then, at some point, way, way, way, way down the list comes this country. It’s why I was willing to be a co-conspirator with Lev Parnas and Rudy. It’s why I have always been the most servile, capitulating little toady I could be, for you, Mr. President. And all of this is why you can rest assured — I will keep bellying up to the bar and lapping up your man juices, Mr. President.”
Congressman Nunes wrote that while he understands there will “always be competition for who gets to spend the most time blowing” Trump, he hopes that the president will always be willing to “save [him] an inch or two.”
“Mostly because if you give away more than an inch or two before I get there, I may not get some at all,” Nunes wrote, “but also because I never want you to forget what I’ve done for you. I’ve seen how you treat the people who you think have betrayed you, and let me tell you something sir. I have painstakingly trained my gag reflex away. I cannot and will not be kept from gargling your nuts, sir. Come hell or high water, I will gargle your nuts. So if that means I have to be on the undercarriage while Ivanka works the shaft and Gym Jordan flicks your butthole with his tongue, then by God sir, it will be my honor to do just that.”
White House officials acknowledged the receipt of Nunes’ letter this morning. No one discussed its particulars at length, but several sources confirmed it made President Trump “bigly pleased” to read it as he shat and tweeted this morning. Rumors are starting to circulate that Nunes may be given either a special Presidential Medal of Obsequiousness, or perhaps even a cabinet position.
“The president has expressed some interest in reward Nunes’ loyalty and ability to not use teeth with some kind of medal or perhaps even creating a cabinet position for him to fill,” one aide told us on the condition of anonymity. “Trump thinks perhaps a Department of Ratfuckery or a Department of Political Muckraking might suit Congressman Nunes quite well.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.