Trump Tells Bongino He’s ‘Almost as Good as Rush and Ivanka’ at Sucking Him Off

Today, disgraced former Secret Service agent and multiple-failed congressional candidate Dan Bongino took over for Rush Limbaugh, who has still yet to buy his way out of his death from stage four lung cancer a few months ago. For more than three decades, Limbaugh hosted a three-hour AM radio talk show and became a conservative media mogul and icon in the process. Mr. Bongino, who scientists believe might have the largest gap in the size of his skull and the brain within it, tried to start his tenure in Limbaugh’s fart-laden broadcast chair with a bang, and had former President Donald J. Trump on as his first guess.

As might be expected, Bongino asked Trump about his plans for 2024. The former president didn’t answer the question directly, but gave vague hints that made many in MAGA circles on social media believe he is definitely going to run for president again. Eventually, the subject of Limbaugh came up, and Trump heaped high praise on him, but also compared Bongino in a positive light to Rush.

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“I have to tell you, Dean,” Trump said, referring to Bongino incorrectly, “I’m really enjoying this. You’re doing a pretty good job at it.”

Bongino told Trump not to “make me blush,” but thanked him for the compliment.

“That’s so very kind of you, sir, truly. In all of the things I’ve failed at — being a Secret Service agent, running for Congress, hosting a show on NRA-TV,” Bongino told Trump, “getting a compliment from you is easily my favorite failure to date. I know you don’t hand out compliments like their socialism, GREAT JOKE, HUH MATT?! Anyway, I can’t believe I’m just like Vlad Putin and Kim Jong-Un now! Thanks for the compliment, sir.”

Trump assured Bongino he “eserves the accolades he gave him.

“Oh, my pleasure, Dino,” Trump said. “My pleasure indeed. No need to thank someone for a compliment you deserve!”

It was apparent the praise really made Bongino happy.

“Wow! You really think I deserve such high praise sir? To be mentioned in the same breath as Rush Limbaugh,” Bongino asked, clearly astounded.

Trump laughed.

“Of course you do, David! You’re one of the best at it, I have to say,” Trump insisted. “I have to tell you, you’re almost as good at it as Rush and Ivanka, my BEAUTIFUL daughter.”

This took Bongino slightly by surprise.

“I didn’t realize that your daughter, who I agree is super-duper hella fine, sir, is hosting a radio show now too,” Bongino said. “That’s absolutely fantastic! Good for her! Which stations are carrying her show, sir?”

Trump, once more laughed. This time he laughed so hard and forcefully that farts and more-than-farts came out.

“I wasn’t talking about radio shows, Dennis! What a silly goose-stepper you are,” Trump guffawed. “I was talking about how good you are at sucking me off. But I will say, now that you mention it, my sexy-as-fuck daughter Ivanka would make a very good radio host. I’ll have to see if I can buy her a couple dozen radio stations for her birthday or Christmas or whatever.”

Dan Bongino’s radio show airs five days a week in select markets.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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