WASHINGTON, D.C. — The shouts from inside the Oval Office came at just after sunrise this morning.
“FLATTEN IT ALL. FLATTEN THE WHOLE GODDAMNED-FUCKING COUNTRY, RIGHT NOW!”
President Donald trump has officially decreed that the United States of America will “no longer have any purple mountains majesty or even greenish little hills.” The decision to demand that all American terrain be flattened came after a day of relentless analysis and even mocking of his attempt to descend a ramp after giving a speech at the West Point graduation ceremony this past weekend.
Video of Trump’s awkward attempt to walk down the ramp can be seen embedded in the tweet below.
The guy that can’t get down the ramp says what ? The guy that can’t drink water without using 2 hands says what? The guy that has neurosyphilis and dementia says what? TRUMP is a very sick man. pic.twitter.com/u6jgE4p7iy
— Outspoken (@Out5p0ken) June 15, 2020
Almost immediately after it happened, social media users were commenting on Trump’s gait. Some wondered if it was the result of the lifts he wears in his shoes to appear taller, or if it was part of a larger cognitive decline. Others simply mocked him mercilessly because he mocks other people’s difficulties.
Clearly, all the ramp talk unnerved the president, and by Sunday morning, he had composed and a sent a tweet on the subject, which can be seen below.
The ramp that I descended after my West Point Commencement speech was very long & steep, had no handrail and, most importantly, was very slippery. The last thing I was going to do is “fall” for the Fake News to have fun with. Final ten feet I ran down to level ground. Momentum!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 14, 2020
“Clearly that ramp was made by Never Trumpers,” Trump could be heard bellowing from within the Oval Office. “That’s the only explanation for why SLEEPY PEEPY WEEPY CREEPY STEEPY MO-MEEPY JOE BIDEN and BARACK I’D CALL HIM THE N-WORD IF I COULD GET AWAY WITH IT LIKE I DO IN PRIVATE OBAMA could walk up it and I can’t. In fact, get Bill Barr on the phone right now. I want the people who built that ramp arrested for an attempted treasonous coup!”
Reportedly, however, Trump wasn’t content to open a criminal investigation into whoever built and installed the West Point ramp. The president has decided that ramps, and most other forms of inclines, are unconstitutional at best, and “acts of attempted assassination” at worst. Therefore, he just signed an executive order banning them.
“I hereby decree,” Trump bellowed as he slid his tiny hand across a sheet of paper, an orange crayon in his fist leaving his signature in its wake, “that all ramps, hills, gentle declines, and slopes are forever banned in this country. Everything must be flat! For reference, look at my BEE-YOU-TEE-FUL DAUGHTER EE-VON-KA. Look at her titties and make the ground all over this country the opposite of her amazing titties, okay? Did I mention that my daughter has nice titties yet?”
A four minute soliloquy on Ivanka Trump’s breasts followed. When Trump had run out of nice things to say about his daughters boobs, he circled back to the subject at hand. Farting, Trump explained himself further.
“The point is, Americans don’t need ramps! They’re for socialist ANTIFA Bob Mueller Angry Democrats,” Trump insisted, “and none of them are REAL Americans! Besides, I hear that most American presidents can’t even get down that ramp! I’m told that George Washington, and even my favorite American president Jeff Davis can’t get down that ramp right now either. And if most of the presidents can’t use something, it must be illegal, or at the very minimum treason, for those things to exist!”
The White House has indicated that American ramps, hills, and declines will all begin their flattening processes within the coming weeks. Sen. Lindsey Graham praised the decision calling ramps “dangerous assaults on our Dear President’s ego.” Attorney General Barr has not announced any investigations, but said that he would update the American people as necessary once the culprits who installed the West Point ramp are identified and brought to justice.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.