HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA — Actor Ron Perlman has reportedly reached out to a Republican senator and offered him a part in an upcoming movie. It’s unclear at this time whether Perlman’s offer to to cast Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Rectal Cavity) in the upcoming film entitled Go To Hell, Boy, is an attempt to extend an olive branch of peace, but according to several people close to the situation, Perlman is completely sincere in his offer.
“At the very least, Ron’s willing to meet Senator Cruz in a park or something, to you know, see if he’s got what it takes to be in the new movie,” one person attached to the film told us. “The movie’s about this smarmy fuck muppet who doesn’t even have the balls to defend his wife from being called ugly, much less his dad from being accused of helping to plot JFK’s assassination, getting his ass beat by a 70 year old actor. It’s a part Teddy was born to play, really.”
The growing feud between Perlman and Cruz actually started as a row between the actor and another Republican in Congress, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-The Bar). Pearlman lashed out on Twitter for drafting a law that would defund any sports team whose players protested police brutality during when the national anthem is played. Pearlman savaged Gaetz, calling him and President Trump “two dipshits.”
— Ron Perlman (@perlmutations) June 13, 2020
Not one to ignore a tweet with his name in it, Gaetz apparently forgot that Perlman’s job is to pretend to be people on camera. Congressman Gaetz attempted to paint Perlman in the same light as a character he played on Sons of Anarchy.
— Matt Gaetz (@mattgaetz) June 14, 2020
Mr. Perlman’s response did not calm the fight between himself and Gaetz. Instead, Perlman decided to play on Gaetz’ seeming confusion about what his job is.
Yessir, so true! So rewarding playing assholes on tv. Tell me sir, how is it actually being one? https://t.co/8Yk4lXvyAI
— Ron Perlman (@perlmutations) June 14, 2020
That’s when Cruz got into the mix, referencing a movie Perlman starred in, after Perlman brought Congressman Gym Jordan into the fray.
Listen Hellboy. You talk good game when you’ve got Hollywood makeup & stuntmen. But I’ll bet $10k—to the nonpolitical charity of your choice—that you couldn’t last 5 min in the wrestling ring w/ @Jim_Jordan w/o getting pinned. You up for it? Or does your publicist say too risky? https://t.co/eRerYVe5kj
— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) June 15, 2020
Perlman once more did not back down from the confrontation.
Wait, is this THEE Ted Cruz? Holy shit man! Is this the same guy let little Donnie call his wife A dog and his father an assassin and now kisses his ass? Yo, can I get your autograph man? https://t.co/6QDwCaEkpv
— Ron Perlman (@perlmutations) June 15, 2020
By Monday morning, it seemed that weekend’s dustup had come to a close. That’s when sources tell us Perlman got the idea to hire a writer to draft a screenplay for Go To Hell, Boy. Perlman apparently only wants Cruz for the titular role. However, he’d be willing to settle for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
“As long as some self-righteous asshole with a shit-eating grin gets pummelled on screen,” our source told us, “Ron’s going to be happy.”
Sen. Cruz, surprisingly, is reportedly giving the offer serious consideration.
“Look, I love my face. I love the sound of my own voice. If someone’s going to offer to put me in a movie, where tons of people will see my face and hear my voice,” Cruz explained to reporters this morning, “why would I turn that down? Just because I’m going to get my ass beat by a man fifteen years older for me while literally anyone who matters cheers him on? Whatever, snowflakes.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.