WASHINGTON, D.C. — For a couple of weeks now, President Donald Trump and his administration have done everything in their power to look both responsive to the threat of a novel coronavirus outbreak in the United States, and also to play down the concerns expressed in the media about it. Trump has gone so far as to tell rally goers that the concern is a “hoax” being perpetrated on them, much like he said the Mueller investigation, his impeachment trial, and gravity are hoaxes in Trump’s estimation. As the World Health Organization officially deems the worldwide spread of the disease a “pandemic,” though, the president seems to have found himself back in familiar territory — ego stroking and boasting.
This afternoon, Trump decided to claim authority over and ownership of the pandemic outbreak of coronavirus that has absolutely rattled the markets, pushing the stock exchanges into bear territory for the first time in a decade. The president bragged that this pandemic will be the “biggest and best” one the country, and indeed the world has ever seen. He went further, comparing his pandemic to those of his predecessors, and he boasted that his pandemic will bring about “far, far, far more deaths than all the other presidents’ pandemics combined.”
“Our pandemic’s gonna be the biggest and best pandemic ever,” Trump said. “People will think they’re natives and I’m Andrew Jackson handing them a blanket; that’s how friggin’ awesome MY pandemic’s gonna be. You may think you’ve seen a pandemic before, but fuck that and fuck you if you even think it!”
“AIDS-shmaids, that’s what I say! If they’re gonna hit me with a pandemic,” Trump said, his fists raised in the air like a boxer, “then I say, bring it on! We’ll have death numbers so high, you’d think Willie Nelson compiled ’em! When they study this outbreak in schools one day, they’ll be really bigly impressed with how many people died under my watch. NOBODY BEATS ME AT ANYTHING EVER, NOT EVEN PANDEMIC OUTBREAKS!”
While Trump and others have tried to downplay fears over an outbreak by comparing coronavirus to the flu, early indicators are that the death rate for coronavirus could be significantly higher. Today, Trump seemed finally ready to accept the fact that coronavirus could pose an enormous threat to millions of Americans, and embraced the death toll. In fact, Trump played up the number of Americans that could die, and said he’d “do everything” in his power to ensure that “no country had higher numbers.”
“We will score, and we will score yuge,” Trump said. “When they look at our final number, they’ll be blown away, truly blown away. Every other president wishes they had my abilities with pandemics!”
In response to Trump’s boasts, the CDC re-upped its advice to Americans that they quarantine themselves from the president and anyone representing him.
“The sheer amount of mistrust, distrust, misinformation, and disinformation involved in the day to day operations of President Donald Trump poses a direct threat to American freedom, stability, and well being,” the CDC’s new guidelines state. (Alternatively Facts)
At the same time, White House Senior Racism Adviser Stephen Miller announced that he is completely immune to the coronavirus because the mutation currently threatening a pandemic outbreak only infects humans beings.
“…since I’m an undead Nazi vampire cunt, I’m completely safe from the human version of coronavirus,” Miller said smugly. (Alternatively Facts)
Miller is expected to join Pence’s team by the end of the week.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.