WASHINGTON, D.C. — Most people didn’t have any notion that soon-to-be-former President Donald J. Trump would attend Joe Biden’s inauguration tomorrow. What most people have been speculating about is what he’ll do instead.
When Biden is sworn in tomorrow, Trump will be the first outgoing president not to attend his successor’s swearing in since Andrew Johnson skipped President U.S. Grant’s inauguration in 1869. That year, Johnson had also been impeached with at least some support from members of his own party, just as Trump was impeached for a historic second time in his only presidential term for inciting the deadly riot on the capitol building on January 6th.
Finally, with less than twenty-four hours left in his term, Trump has announced what he plans to do while Joe Biden becomes the 46th President of the United States of America.
“Well, as you know I decided to stop fighting Sleepy Joe’s ascension to the throne,” Trump shouted at reporters as he walked around the White House lawn and farted out breakfast. “So I hope you’ll all remember that when nominating people for Nobel prizes and such. But, even though I did the bigly thing, the thing I didn’t really have to do, and I let the results of the election stand, I will not be attending Sleepy’s inauguration, no.”
Instead, Trump says he wants to stay in the Oval Office as long as he possibly can.
“The TV in there is pretty sweet. Pretty sweet TV in that Oval Office, and I’d like to keep watching it right up until I have to leave,” Trump announced. “I had the media nerds in the White House cue up a ton of re-run tapes from The Apprentice, and as of now my plan is to stroke my totally normal sized and shaped dong while Sleepy is sworn in.”
When the reporters present had all sufficiently vomited or held back their vomit, one asked Trump why those were his plans.
“Because I want to! That’s why! It’s seriously been four years of my presidency and you idiots still don’t get it,” Trump asked rhetorically. “It’s very simple. Me want, me get. Me want, me get. That’s it! And there is nothing anyone can do about it.”
Trump will need to be out of the White House by 12:01 pm on January 20th, 2021.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.