CULERO, TEXAS — The National Association of A-Holes has decided to expel one of its most famous, loyal, and heretofore well-respected board members. In a letter dated just two days after a violent, deadly insurrection against the capitol, spurred on at least in part by weeks of his rhetoric about a “stolen election,” the NAAH expelled Sen. Ted Cruz, who was its Executive Vice-President, permanently.
“Senator Cruz behaved in such a way that he knew was dangerous. Ted might play stupid to fool his constituents into thinking he isn’t actually an Ivy League elitist,” the NAAH expulsion letter reads, “but ol’ Zodiac Ted knows exactly what he is, who his voters are, and how they’d receive and interpret more than two months of lies about a stolen election.”
The NAAH condemned Cruz in the strongest terms it could.
“Even as A-holes, there are some thing we respect, some institutions we don’t attack just so we can continue our political careers. Ted has clearly forgotten that,” the NAAH wrote, “and that’s just sad. Bigly sad.”
Cruz could have possibly “been distracted” by what the outcome of the election truly meant for him, the NAAH granted.
“Maybe Ted was distracted by the fact that once the Electoral College votes were certified, his wife would no longer be ugly,” the NAAH letter continues, “or, perhaps, he wasn’t sure if his dad was still going to be a co-conspirator in the assassination of JFK. We honestly can’t tell, and it’s not our job to, either. The bottom line is simple: Fuck Ted Cruz, now, and forever.”
Cruz, who is usually all over Twitter, has been extremely quiet on all social media platforms since the events of January 6th. There have been growing calls to have him expelled from the Senate for helping to incite the insurrection. The NAAH stated that they were making the decision to boot Cruz to “hopefully set the right example for the U.S. Senate.”
“It truly breaks our heart to break ranks with one of the most monumentally prickish A-Holes we’ve ever counted among our assholey ranks,” the NAAH stated. “It is with no gleeful disposition that we hereby expel Ted Cruz from our organization. However, it simply must be done. We may be assholes, but we’re not traitors AND assholes.”
Sen. Cruz could not be reached for comment.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.