Gaetz: “In America, It’s Three Insurrections and You’re Out, Not One!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For two hours this morning, the House of Representatives debated whether or not President Donald Trump — who has less than a full week left in office — should be impeached for inciting the violent riot at the U.S. capitol building last week. On the day that Congress met to officially certify the Electoral College’s selection of Joe Biden as the next president, ending his tenure in office, Trump stood before a massive, heaving throng of Americans who supported him, but who also support diddling their cousins, and insisted they could still do something to ensure he’d be president another four years.

When his speech was concluded, Trump encouraged the crowd to march down the road sixteen blocks to the rotunda, and to forcefully demand that the Constitution be ignored, in order for his ego to be served instead. Over the course of several hours, thousands of angry Trump supporters flooded into the capitol, vandalizing, stealing, and even smearing their own feces on the walls. Six people died as a result of the violence that day.

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Within hours of the attacks, Democrats, who control the House, had drafted the article of impeachment that would constitute the second such charges levied against Trump. He will become the first and only man to ever be impeached twice, while never winning the popular vote in a general election. Though the time in his presidential clock is running out, House Democrats argued throughout the morning that what Trump did amounted to inciting an insurrection, and he represents enough of a clear and present danger to warrant being impeached and removed immediately.

On the House floor, however, Matt Gaetz, who looked drunk and smelled it too, didn’t argue that Trump’s words and actions last week somehow didn’t amount to inciting an insurrection. With a massive, oversized novelty flask filled with booze peeking out from his jacket pocket, Gaetz stammered and blurted out the best, full-throated defense of his president he could muster.

Some of his Republican colleagues made that argument, but Gaetz defended Trump on different grounds. Ultimately, Gaetz argued that because Trump is an American president, he is subject to American traditions and pastimes, and cannot be removed until he incites two more insurrections.

“Listen, listen, lisssttteenn, motherfuckersss, listen to me,” Gaetz said, his words slurring and whiskey droplets falling from his chin, “because I have something-to-say, and godfuckingdamnit I’m gonna say it! This is very unfair to President Daddy Balls! You know why?”

Gaetz burped and held back vomit as he did so.

“Do we still play baseball in this country? I know that Barack HUSSEIN Obama tried to outlaw all things American, but he didn’t get to baseball, right,” Gaetz asked to no one in particular before trudging forward without any delay. “Because in baseball, it’s three strikes. THREE, LIBS! FUCKING THREE! This is insurrection number one, that means Donald J. God and Jesus Trump deserves, and will GET, two more insurrections before he is removed, period.”

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