WASHINGTON, D.C. — Almost two weeks ago, an unctuous, fatuous, impetuous, deluded lying fuck ran for reelection to the highest, most powerful office in all of human history. He lost, rather decisively, as the ballots were fully counted, something his legal team is desperately trying to stop, to spectacularly disastrous results. In yet another show of his team’s utterly dire situation, Trump has taken to lying nonstop about the election on his Twitter account.
In the two weeks since the election, Trump has tweeted dozens of misleading stories and outright fabrications about the results. Trump lost rather convincingly, by the same margin in the Electoral College that he claimed to be a “landslide” for four years. However, mostly Trump has continued to claim he won the election, forcing Twitter to slap his tweets with labels calling out his lies, such as this one that the outgoing president sent this morning, claiming that he won the election, despite literally all evidence to the contrary.
I won the Election!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 16, 2020
Today, the president indicated that he has no intention of not lying for the remainder of his lame duck term. Pulling a pocket Constitution out of his left suit coat pocket, and a Big Mac out of the other, Trump stood on the White House lawn, alternating between bites of his cheeseburger and explaining to the reporters there why he will continue to lie, unabated, until the official end of his term.
“It’s my right, okay? I remain president until noon on January 21st. I get to keep being president until then,” Trump insisted. “I’m not a black Democrat trying to nominate a centrist to the Supreme Court! I’m an old, white, allegedly rich Republican! So I am entitled, per this Constitution, or whatever it’s called, to lie the entire term! All four years, you get that, jerks?”
President Trump angrily demanded to know “what makes cucks” think he would stop lying.
“Did all of you dumb fucks stop paying attention or something after the election? I’m gonna do the same shit I did for four years, okay,” Trump shouted, just inches from the press, maskless. “It’s my right! Do you hear me? It’s my right to lie, and so I’m gonna do it, in fact, I’m gonna come up with a lie right here, right now, and you fucks have to print it.”
The outgoing president paused. He appeared to be in deep thought, coming up with his new lie. Then, he lifted his leg and farted, releasing his neurons to be assigned to the task of speaking the lie out loud.
“I not only won the election, I am the richest man in the world. I have enormous hands. My businesses filing bankruptcy prove I’m good at it,” Trump insisted, “and wanting to fuck my own daughter is very normal and very cool. But to reiterate, I won. I won by, at least…six hundred million votes. Suck it. I win, you lose, Sleepy Po-Peepy!”
Trump ran off back into the White House, putting his fingers in his ears and shouting as he did so that he couldn’t hear the reporters’ questions.
MORE: This Big Ol’ Impeached Pile of Whiny Bitch Couldn’t Even Win the Popular Vote Once In Two Tries!
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.