Biden Supports Recounts So ‘Americans Can Watch Trump Lose As Many Times As He Wants’

WINURZ, DELAWARE — This morning, President-Elect Joe Biden was spotted taking a stroll with his German Shepherd, Major, at a coffee shop just a town or two over from his Delaware home. Biden seemed cheerful, which would comport with the news that he received today that the Arizona presidential race has been called for him, and that the Trump campaign was dropping its lawsuit seeking a recount in the state. As each day since the election has passed, his margin of victory has grown in key battleground states, and as of the time of reporting, Biden is projected to win 306 Electoral College votes, which would be two more than Trump’s final 2016 tally of 304.

President Trump spent much of his first few months in office touting the size of his victory in the Electoral College. Biden, however, didn’t mention his margin of victory when he was asked about how he felt this morning by local reporters. Biden told the press he was feeling “happy” but that if Trump does want to push forward with some recounts in certain states, he has “no problem whatsoever” with the president requesting them.

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“Look, Bub, I won, okay? We all know that. Even he knows that,” Biden said with confidence, “so all he’s doing now is trying to get one last, good fleecing of his supporters in before the White House cleaning staff is called in to fumigate. If he wants to do a recall in all fifty states, I’m fine with it. We have until the end of December to certify the votes, so if Trump wants recounts, let ’em have ’em, Jack!”

Biden took a sip from his coffee.

“I mean, I’ve won elections, I’ve lost elections, and I’ve never wanted to relive any of my defeats,” Biden continued. “However, that’s just Joe Biden. Maybe Donald Trump wants recounts, and he should have them. That way, Americans can watch Trump lose as many times as he wants them to.”

President-elect Biden removed a microphone from his jacket pocket, dropped it, and then pulled his trademark aviator sunglasses out from the other jacket pocket and them put them on, winking as he did.

“See you folks in January. Lots of work to do, Bub, and don’t you forget it,” Biden said as he walked with Major back to a car that was waiting for him.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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